It germs, my dears

I am starting to wonder about my parenting style. I know I slap a lot of Purell on their hands, I know this is a house where sick dogs do unspeakable things to floors, which makes me a mother who screams, “DON’T GO IN THE KITCHEN WITH YOUR BARE FEET! TERRIBLE THINGS ON THE FLOOR! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!”

The topic of the day is germophobic parenting, my dears.

Continue Reading 25 comments September 28th, 2006

My animal spirit guide had been decomposing under the green carpet the whole time

I did not cough up the $150 to attend the paranormal conference. I thought about volunteering like you suggested, but then I realized I wanted to be able to escape if necessary.

But it was our anniversary weekend (seventh), and we celebrated by having friends over to help us tear up the remaining ancient green carpeting in the house.

Continue Reading 29 comments September 25th, 2006

I am actually whimpering

Why must it cost me $150 to finally meet my animal spirit guide? Why? I have been waiting all my life to meet my animal spirit guide!

Continue Reading 20 comments September 21st, 2006

Old, small houses

There is no Old, Small, Leave-It-As-Is-For-Now House movement that I can find. And there should be. It’s so disheartening to pick up a “shelter” magazine that promises gorgeous low-budget renovations inside, only to find out that their version of low-budget differs from our version of low-budget by at least $15,000.

Continue Reading 46 comments September 18th, 2006

Update: Meatloaf burning in the oven of my brain

I finally got “Sister Christian” out of my head, only for it to be replaced with “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad” by Meatloaf.

8 comments September 18th, 2006

My inferior, infidelity-and-80s-pop–addled brain

Oh, my brain is full this morning. It is full of things I wish it were not full of, i.e., all the words to Huey Lewis’s “The Heart of Rock ‘n’ Roll Is Still Beating,” and “Sister Christian.” I don’t know why she’s the only one to say okay, I don’t know why she’s motorin’, but I’ll be damned if I don’t know all the words.

Continue Reading 36 comments September 15th, 2006

Crisis parenting is my bag!

I have confidence in fevers!
I have confidence in poop!
I have confidence that puke will come again
and I’ll make you see
I have CON-FI-DENCE in me!

Continue Reading 17 comments September 12th, 2006

Kindergarten

She started kindergarten today. I’ll admit there was an attempt on my part to buy back her love with some new pink size 11.5 Hello Kitty Mary Janes, and some very exciting new surprise school supplies tucked away in a pink-and-purple pencil case. I took blurry pictures of her doing her maddening praying-hands pose under one side of her face (”because it looks pretty”). I let her have two muffins and two donuts at the Welcome Back breakfast at school. I told her I was very proud.

But she looks through me. I am starting to question my existence.

Continue Reading 51 comments September 8th, 2006