I just like the way this sounds
Hannah is driving me red-hot mad. —Sophie
14 comments August 29th, 2006
Archive for August, 2006
Look! Look at my door! Look at my strange hex-faced child!
Follow every Benjamin Moore rainbow until you find your dream, baby.
Continue Reading 27 comments August 25th, 2006
I gave Gloria Putnam Smith back to the people at Enterprise
I just thought you should all know that Gloria Putnam Smith and I broke up. We tried to work things out, but after she told me to TURN RIGHT ON LOMBARD STREET and then GO .6 MILES—which would have put me squarely in front of an oncoming freight train—it all went downhill. (Well, I went uphill. Gloria Putnam Smith wanted me to go downhill.)
It was a long week, but I am back home now. It’s late and I should sleep. I don’t know how to write about the trip. My brain is whirring and I keep hearing this line from Cabaret: “You know the funny thing about Herman? There is NOTHING funny about Herman.”
Aside from Gloria Putnam Smith, there was nothing funny about Herman.
Send funny vacation stories. Missed you. Hope you are all well and very air-conditioned.
22 comments August 22nd, 2006
I am in a strange place with no one but Gloria Putnam Smith and I don’t think she likes me very much
I could say I need you, Gloria Putnam Smith. Let’s be best friends, Gloria Putnam Smith. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Gloria Putnam Smith. But I have learned some lessons in my life. So I just reach out and touch Gloria Putnam Smith with my right index finger.
Continue Reading 28 comments August 17th, 2006
You know it’s a bad moving day when
Please go over to my mom’s blog and show her some love, because the poor woman could really use some right now. Yesterday’s move is a very long and ugly story, one of those depressing tales that leave you pretty sure that people are basically terrible.
Continue Reading 17 comments August 15th, 2006
The Mater arrives today
At this very moment, several sweaty, strapping young men are loading boxes and furniture into a van in Philadelphia while my mother stands at the kitchen counter hyperventilating beside her cellphone and counting her cash several more times. If she doesn’t have a list on paper, she is definitely going over one in her head. By now, she will already have convinced herself that she’s lost her purse—and her apartment key—at least three times. By dinnertime today, if all goes well, she and her purse and her well-thumbed cash for the movers will be here, and she will have a new apartment key she’ll worry about misplacing.
Continue Reading 22 comments August 14th, 2006
Jenny, Jenny, flowers not so many, your garden did not grow
Are you KIDDING me? This is gardening? Where’s the payoff, people? Show me the flowers! I want Cuba Gooding Jr. to jump up and down in my weedy garden yelling that. That would greatly cheer me.
Now would someone please explain to me how to figure out which ones are weeds?
Continue Reading 25 comments August 10th, 2006
Stay away from the baby, Bobby McFerrin
I tried to be a good mother. I offered up a brief but fervent prayer for guidance to the heavens, but Bobby McFerrin intercepted it.
Continue Reading 15 comments August 3rd, 2006