What you don’t want to hear at 35,000 feet

I am in a LET’S JUST SAY mood this week. Here’s a (sort of) non-ghostly one for you:

LET’S JUST SAY you are on a flight from, say, Pittsburgh to Albany, hurtling along at an altitude of 35,000 feet. Terrible turbulence kicks in. You wonder if you are going to heave your Sbarro pizza lunch all over your knees. Your sense of well-being does not improve when the flight attendant hurries to her jump seat (why must they call it this? why?) and straps herself in.

LET’S JUST SAY you keep glancing over at her to see if you are in really big trouble. She seems relaxed enough, so you relax a little and stop digging your nails into your armrests.

Until the flight attendant peers out the window, looks down down down 35,000 feet, and says conspiratorially, “You know, I think this is where it happened.”

LET’S JUST SAY you and everyone in Rows 1 through 12 immediately lean way way way forward to hear more.

What would you like the chatty flight attendant to say next?

Would you like to hear her say, YES! THIS IS WHERE I SAW THAT CLOUD FORMATION THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE HOWARD STERN! Yes! You would!

Would you like to hear her say, THIS IS EXACTLY WHERE THE MAGIC RAINBOW APPEARED AND GIGGLING LEPRECHAUN ANGELS LEAPT ONTO THE WINGS OF THE PLANE AND DID THAT FUNNY JIG IN THEIR SPARKLY ELF SHOES AND OH DID WE EVER LAUGH! Yes! You would!

Here is what you WOULD NOT LIKE TO HEAR HER SAY at 35,000 feet during Turb-O-Rama:

YEAH, THIS IS IT. SEE THOSE WINDMILL THINGS? THIS IS WHERE FLIGHT 93 WENT DOWN.

LET’S JUST SAY I would like to see the US Airways employee training manual. Let’s just say! Let’s!

27 comments April 14th, 2006