Victoria’s Evil Secret

Because a woman has certain needs. Because this woman has a Victoria’s Secret Gift Card. Because this woman has bras that look like the tattered handkerchiefs that hobos and runaway children in storybooks tie to the end of long sticks, to carry their belongings.

I take a deep breath and enter the store.

Continue Reading 27 comments June 30th, 2005

A man, his penis, and The Extender

Lately, I’ve been receiving a lot of emails from a real friendly guy named Ron Black:

“Finally! I have always worried about the size of my penis. When I have sex, even though my wife says that the sex is good, I know that what she really wants is an extra inch!”

Continue Reading 25 comments June 26th, 2005

Don’t forget the pickle, Ma

I am not the Land of Milk and Honey. I am a deli counter.

Continue Reading 6 comments June 23rd, 2005

A great stupidness in the Force, there is.

We finally caved. We went to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Stupid, er, Sith.

Anakin Skywalker (AKA Darth Vader’s sulky teen incarnation) loses an arm and both legs after being sliced to bits by Obi-Wan’s light saber and managing to fondue himself in a river of boiling lava. Although he’s incinerated 99% of his skin, Anakin is still able to haul himself out of the molten river, using two fingernails and his one remaining forearm tendon. Judging from the grotesque noises he’s emitting, his voice box has melted too. But he’s got the will to survive. He’s a dude, man. Sure, he’s a charred dude, a dude who’s incinerated his penis, but, dude, he’s a dude. Dudes take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. Dudes take a burnin’ and keep on churnin’. It’s the way of the world.

Continue Reading 5 comments June 20th, 2005

She hears TV people.

Don’t worry, Daddy, I turned off the TV. If you hear the TV, it’s just my brain thinking about TV.

—Sophie

1 comment June 17th, 2005

Pop, squish, Cicero.

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

—Cicero

2 comments June 16th, 2005

Small towels, big mouths

Our childcare provider regularly sends notes home to remind us to send diapers or buy more baby wipes.

David grimly handed me yesterday’s note. “Just read,” he said.

In her cheerful penmanship, our childcare provider had written:

Two small towels please—thank you!

P.S. ‘My mom told me President Bush is a bad person and he kills people.’

Continue Reading 9 comments June 14th, 2005

What not to do this summer

Oh, parenting magazines. You scare me sometimes, you really do.

The May 2005 issue had this suggestion for a rainy day with the kids:

HEAD TO THE MALL…BUT NOT TO SHOP!

“If you get there as soon as it opens, before the crowds arrive, your kids can jump from one colored tile to another, slide and pretend to skate in their socks on slick floors, take a ride in a glass elevator, and sing in the echo of an underground parking garage.”

Continue Reading 4 comments June 11th, 2005

Loving just right, tiny part two

“It’s a really big deal, finishing your first year of school,” I told her. “We’re so proud of you.” I had maybe said it a few too many times, by this point.

Sophie sighed. She actually rolled her eyes. “Don’t love me TOO much, or else I’ll turn into a heart.”

Continue Reading 7 comments June 9th, 2005

Loving just right

A wise friend posed this rhetorical question the other week:

“Why do parents feel the need to date their children?”

It was an astute observation. I see a lot of wooing going on these days. Parents are playing the role of the ardent suitor, courting their children from morning till night, mooning over them, talking of little else, even wringing their hands over the misery of unrequited love.

Continue Reading 11 comments June 8th, 2005