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He who Googles for ‘cheerleader panties’ is not lost. Unless Google sends him here. Then he is most assuredly lost.

Continue Reading 16 comments October 1st, 2005

Blogs: The New High School

I like to think that [leave a comment] I could have been a wicked hot cheerleader [leave a comment] if my mom had put me in dance class [you know you want to] before I got fat and had to wear Pretty Plus sizes [leave a comment, for the love of God, just leave a comment].

Continue Reading 81 comments September 23rd, 2005

Return of the Squalor: The Thing That’s Supposed to Hit the Fan Hits Everything But the Fan

Come, friends. Come, Layla, of Comment #22, Post #68. Walk a mile in my shoes. I’ll provide paper towels so you can clean them off afterwards.

Continue Reading 26 comments September 15th, 2005

24 hours

Behold the loveliness of household haiku.

Lovingly crafted by the domestically insane.

Continue Reading 14 comments August 16th, 2005

When generations collide

I have never needed my butt girdle more.

Continue Reading 19 comments July 17th, 2005

Victoria’s Evil Secret

Because a woman has certain needs. Because this woman has a Victoria’s Secret Gift Card. Because this woman has bras that look like the tattered handkerchiefs that hobos and runaway children in storybooks tie to the end of long sticks, to carry their belongings.

I take a deep breath and enter the store.

Continue Reading 27 comments June 30th, 2005

A man, his penis, and The Extender

Lately, I’ve been receiving a lot of emails from a real friendly guy named Ron Black:

“Finally! I have always worried about the size of my penis. When I have sex, even though my wife says that the sex is good, I know that what she really wants is an extra inch!”

Continue Reading 25 comments June 26th, 2005

A great stupidness in the Force, there is.

We finally caved. We went to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Stupid, er, Sith.

Anakin Skywalker (AKA Darth Vader’s sulky teen incarnation) loses an arm and both legs after being sliced to bits by Obi-Wan’s light saber and managing to fondue himself in a river of boiling lava. Although he’s incinerated 99% of his skin, Anakin is still able to haul himself out of the molten river, using two fingernails and his one remaining forearm tendon. Judging from the grotesque noises he’s emitting, his voice box has melted too. But he’s got the will to survive. He’s a dude, man. Sure, he’s a charred dude, a dude who’s incinerated his penis, but, dude, he’s a dude. Dudes take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. Dudes take a burnin’ and keep on churnin’. It’s the way of the world.

Continue Reading 5 comments June 20th, 2005