Bambi grass is better than Bambi gas
Bambi grass is served!
Continue Reading 23 comments October 15th, 2006
Posts filed under 'Because I said so. (Parenting)'
It germs, my dears
I am starting to wonder about my parenting style. I know I slap a lot of Purell on their hands, I know this is a house where sick dogs do unspeakable things to floors, which makes me a mother who screams, “DON’T GO IN THE KITCHEN WITH YOUR BARE FEET! TERRIBLE THINGS ON THE FLOOR! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!”
The topic of the day is germophobic parenting, my dears.
Continue Reading 25 comments September 28th, 2006
Crisis parenting is my bag!
I have confidence in fevers!
I have confidence in poop!
I have confidence that puke will come again
and I’ll make you see
I have CON-FI-DENCE in me!
Continue Reading 17 comments September 12th, 2006
Kindergarten
She started kindergarten today. I’ll admit there was an attempt on my part to buy back her love with some new pink size 11.5 Hello Kitty Mary Janes, and some very exciting new surprise school supplies tucked away in a pink-and-purple pencil case. I took blurry pictures of her doing her maddening praying-hands pose under one side of her face (”because it looks pretty”). I let her have two muffins and two donuts at the Welcome Back breakfast at school. I told her I was very proud.
But she looks through me. I am starting to question my existence.
Continue Reading 51 comments September 8th, 2006
Stay away from the baby, Bobby McFerrin
I tried to be a good mother. I offered up a brief but fervent prayer for guidance to the heavens, but Bobby McFerrin intercepted it.
Continue Reading 15 comments August 3rd, 2006
Please God let there be a chicken
Panic from the kitchen. “SOMETHING’S GOING ON IN HERE! JENN? THERE’S…IT’S…DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING IN HERE?”
“Yes,” I say. “The oven is on. And the stove is on.”
Pause from the kitchen. Then: “And you…I mean…?”
“Yes,” I say. “I know. I turned them on.”
Continue Reading 41 comments July 27th, 2006
The Flower, a poem by Sophie
When she is not busy turning me into Willem Dafoe, she writes beautiful poetry.
Continue Reading 25 comments July 23rd, 2006
If you like Platoon but hate Tampax, get out of here, soldier
Today’s episode: Another topic as yet unmined by Parenting Magazine.
Continue Reading 34 comments July 21st, 2006
Start spreading the germs / They’re breeding today / It wants to be a part of me / New York, New York
I have ruined my daughter completely. If she wasn’t doomed to a life of neurosis and germ-phobia before, oh, she is now. We had a few Kodachrome-worthy mother-daughter moments in NYC, sure, but overall? Not so much. I could not relax, because the child was touching everything. Within an hour of our arrival at Penn Station, I could no longer see my child’s hands. In their place were two glowing petri dishes crawling with urban wretchedness.
Continue Reading 50 comments July 5th, 2006