Results are in!
September 26th, 2005
Hi, nice blog-reading folks. Thanks to all who took the b’eaw Delurking Challenge! The PricewaterhouseCoopers Guys were just here in their scary armored van! I saw the shiny briefcase! The results are in:
We’re all, like, totally insecure.
I’m pretty sure I’ve got nothing all that clever to say, so I nervously make up crap like sleepshizzle and go for the cheap butt girdle jokes. You’re pretty sure you’ve got nothing all that clever to say, so you…well, I don’t know what the hell you do after you slink away from the comments form in shame. Maybe you log off the computer and tell butt girdle jokes to your cat or your toddler or your spouse.
Oh, we’re a mess, friends, a terrible pickle of a mess we’re in. I think you’re all crazy-smart. You all think that everyone else here is crazy-smart. One of you thinks I’m crazy-smart and will someday use my crazy-smart superpowers to buy her an oceanfront mansion with a sexy live-in carpenter, but that particular person gave birth to me while a whole lot of loop-dee-loo gas was being pumped into her lungs, so there you have it.
Um, the PricewaterhouseCoopers guys also said to tell you that none of us should be raising children (or cats) or working as a motivational speaker.
But I didn’t want to harsh your mellow! So I decided I’d just tell you this:
At least we have each other! Ha! Ha ha!
And self-deprecation is the new black!
And the last thing I’ll say on this is, please, no need to ever be intimidated by the comments. Fully ninety percent of them are written by my mother. Hi Ma! You should see her in her Spot the Wonder Dog outfit every year at Thanksgiving. Such a hoot, this little lady.
And don’t be freaked out by all the blog links, either, and go thinking it’s some club or something. “Simon” at Simian Farmer? “RJ” at the Daily Blague? “Kris” over at Baby Likes Cabbage?
Totally my mother.
It’s really just me, you, and my mom.
(She makes a mean pierogi, too, so stop by anytime. Third blog on the left, the one crankin’ the neuroses and the polkas! We give away a fresh delusion every hour, on the hour!)
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Time-out. (General insanity)
20 Comments
1. Jen | September 27th, 2005 at 1:01 am
Wait, pierogi? What kind? I’ve been wearing the heck out of my pierogi ruskie recipe, and have been trying to figure out whether I want to try it with saurkraut or something more interesting next. Suggestions?
2. the Mater | September 27th, 2005 at 6:22 am
Well, fresh back from the Polish countryside, and what do I read?!
To enlighten you, gentle readers: NO I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR JENN’S BLOGS, JUST FOR GIVING BIRTH!
And, if I recall, I was sufficiently recovered from the late whiff of laughing gas to inquire, when the doc announced “it’s a girl”, as to who would do her hair? (She’s never forgiven me for that one slip of maternal dereliction.) And I have never worn a Spot the Wonder Dog outfit in my life … just one mad dash around the house in a Wonder Woman costume in my younger halcyon days.
However … I am always hoping in my optimistic heart that Jenn’s ship does come in … well, we know her canoe has arrived, but I’m talking the Carnival Line here … that one professional break … the agent who lands the contract … the person who takes a chance and goes for the unknown writer! And, not to sound like a showbiz mom, I certainly don’t want to entertain thoughts of an oceanfront mansion and a live-in hottie! (Yeah, if you believe that … I’ve got some Polish real estate to sell!) Oh, Jenn, honey … we can build in the mountains instead - wherever the feng shui is best!
And pierogies and golobkis for the masses - once I get my new home, you’re all invited to a 24-course Polish dinner!
Maybe I’ll start a blog of my own, as long as you all promise to lurk a bit there for support :>)
3. geogirl | September 27th, 2005 at 7:38 am
“And self-deprecation is the new black! ”
AT LAST!!! I am finally in style!!!
4. Kelly | September 27th, 2005 at 7:44 am
Oh Mater!
How we have missed you! As I was pouring the milk over my kids cereal this morning (countless, countless bowls in this house of a thousand children), I thought to myself, what ever happened to the Mater? Her wry, witty comments? Her indefatigable (I paid $2.95 for that word, by the way!) support for her diligent, writer/daughter?
And now you’re back!
Nothing makes your daughter shine brighter than her equally brilliant, take-no-prisoners mother. So, no more trolling the polish countryside for you.
5. the Mater | September 27th, 2005 at 9:05 am
Dearest Kelly, your kind words certainly made my day and may even help dispel this nasty jet lag!
As to “indefatigable”, I’m LOL … that was actually the name of the mountain in the Canadian Rockies that I climbed a few years back. Maybe I should open a blog after all. Lots of stories in them thar hills :>)
6. Simon | September 27th, 2005 at 9:14 am
Dammit!
I’ve been outed as yet another mask of the nefarious Mater!
Give me a few days and I’ll try to explain away the fact that I live in Canada, have a wife and son… not to mention a hoojackapiffy.
7. Spot the Wonder Dog | September 27th, 2005 at 9:52 am
No MOM! You were supposed to play along. Now you’ve totally blown my cover.
All right, dear readers, I guess it’s time to come clean. My mom is not Spot the Wonder Dog. Many of you have been writing in, asking about my medication. Truth is, I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I (Spot) am one of 13 distinct personalities inhabiting our host, Jenn. I was created in response to a particularly disturbing incident at a college party, involving Cheese Whiz, 3 boxes of Hostess Twinkies and an electric toothbrush. Original Jenn sometimes refers to me as “The Dark Spot on her Soul”. I am the Hyde to her Jekyll.
But as long as we’re introducing ourselves, allow me to present some of the other personalities we have wafting around in here…
Here’s Larry the Garden Snail. Larry is often manifested early in the morning, and was created after a traumatic morning in which Original Jenn discovered that the children had fed all the Folger’s Crystals to the dogs. (Which, sadly, resulted in very excited dogs vomiting coffee all over the parlor.)
8. Larry the Garden Snail | September 27th, 2005 at 9:53 am
Yo, s’up?
9. Spot the Wonder Dog | September 27th, 2005 at 9:53 am
And here’s Wispy the Raven. Wispy was created the very last day Original Jenn ever tried on clothing in the Junior’s section of J.C. Penney’s.
10. Wispy the Raven | September 27th, 2005 at 9:54 am
Nevermore
11. Jenn | September 27th, 2005 at 9:54 am
Ahh! Spot! What are you doing! Back! Back to the depths of Hell that spawned you, foul beast!
Please ignore these “revelations” friends and neighbors. I’m just a normal, sane…
What? No, I will not let you back on the keyboard. No! Bad dog!
12. Spot the Wonder Dog | September 27th, 2005 at 9:54 am
Ahhh, sorry for the interruption folks. Sometimes we have disagreements over whose turn it is to use the computer. In any event, enjoy the blog, and know that I consider the comments you leave to be almost as good as actual human contact with the outside world. Almost…. *sigh*.
13. Jenn | September 27th, 2005 at 10:56 am
Wispy the Raven pretty much did me in. I can’t stop laughing. Your clicker training went seriously wrong at some point, Spot Dog.
14. the Mater | September 27th, 2005 at 11:47 am
Could we start all over again??!!
15. R J Keefe | September 27th, 2005 at 11:52 am
Having discovered that I am merely a projection of somebody else, albeit somebody living in an adjacent state, I have decided to take off the rest of whatever and go to the movies.
16. geogirl | September 27th, 2005 at 1:06 pm
Well…sombody certainly had a little too much time on their hands.
Hey, since I don’t really exist…does that mean I can stop getting up so early and going to work????
17. the Mater | September 27th, 2005 at 1:50 pm
If a tree falls in the forest, will any of our multiple personalities hear it?
18. JustLinda | October 3rd, 2005 at 5:04 pm
Will your mom come make lots of witty comments on MY blog? I mean, for a FEE (of course).
19. Andrea B. | October 4th, 2005 at 7:15 pm
Please, mom, come over to MY blog and make comments. I promise not to (insult your delicate sensibilites by even trying to) bribe you, like someotherpeoplewhosenamesrhymewithJustLinda!
I did promise Jenn I would post something non singing related (my blog is about being a Mom, as well as a singer blah blah blah). So I will.
Don’t hold your breath! Oh, okay, Jenn, later this week (gotta keep the suspense) something for you and/or Spot the Wonder Dog/Wispy the Raven et al. Hey, that would be a killer law firm name …
20. the Mater | October 5th, 2005 at 9:05 am
Wow, guys … I’m flattered beyond belief!
And just to know, Andrea, I did take a quick peek the other day at your impressive site but was a bit intimidated by the wonderful essays on classical music and practicing, etc. Psst … I am a musician but never studied professionally beyond my own uncle’s tuterage for 5-6 years as a child. I play a mean polka and my darling Canadian son-in-law actually caught me a gig in the East End NYorican Poet’s Cafe - which probably demands a blog of its own!
And Linda, I’ll be glad to check you out soon too! Any supporters of my daughter are friends of mine :>)
The reason I can’t do this quickly is that my alter ego (you know that feisty Chopin Gal) actually is quite busy as a scifi fic writer and on several discussion threads in the world of “Gaters and Trekkers”.
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