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October 1st, 2005
He who Googles for ‘cheerleader panties’ is not lost. Unless Google sends him here. Then he is most assuredly lost.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the unfortunate souls who have been devastated by failed Google searches that led them here to breed ‘em and weep. You did not ask to come here, Fetish Man and Plushie Boy and Epileptic Crisis Woman. But you will not be forgotten, either.
These are actual search strings that have landed people at breed ‘em and weep. I did not make them up. I could not make them up if I tried. I am not talking dirty to you.
I must ask that you remain silent until all the failed search categories have been properly acknowledged.
SADLY, RON BLACK’S AT IT AGAIN
penis extender
superbird
my wife laughs at my small penis
wife need large penis
make your own penis extender
sex whilst sleeping
HE RIDES AGAIN
long man of wilmington penis
WORST WAY TO SPEND AN AFTERNOON
dog body paint
VERY DIFFERENT AFTER THE BODY PAINT
what does a peak a poo dog look like
AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB PEAK A POO GUIDELINES
no breasts
IN THE BALLPARK
hi i’m jenny
writing about art
cool bedtime stories
barbie and ken wedding
birds and the bees
define moonbat
haiku about a family
heartbroken by the world
squalor survivors
cranberry storm door
tattletales
butt girdle
i just met the funniest girl
life in a hooverville
STILL IN THE BALLPARK
what a paragraph looks like to someone who is dyslexic
OUT OF THE BALLPARK
most limber woman
definition of sizzle my nizzle
no breasts
SOMEONE KICK HIM IN HIS BALLPARK
sluts being trained
thong sluts
THANKS THAT’S MUCH BETTER
nice figured sluts
A HYPHEN AND HE LIVES BUT SHOULDN’T, A COMMA AND THE TALIBAN EVISCERATES HIM WHILE WE CHEER FROM THE SIDELINES
come covered sluts
HE’S A REGULAR AT ALL THE PLUSHIE CONVENTIONS
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SHE’LL NEED NEW SHOES BY MORNING
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HEY, WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON
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SEEK AND YE MIGHT FIND
how to fold clothes
how do i get rid of canine flatulence
how do i get rid of unpleasant smells in my freezer
cat poop smear help
SEEK AND YE MIGHT NOT FIND
get the perfect husband want
SEEK AND YES WE HAVE NO BANANAS
how can i forgive my wife larger penis
BUT MAY WE SUGGEST A HEART-TO-HEART WITH THE GUY WHO RUNS THE
mikveh
IF EVERYTHING ELSE FAILS
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IF THE VALIUM DOESN’T WORK THERE’S ALWAYS
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YOU ARE NOT ALONE
the universe is out to get me
CAN YOU BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC
chopin sex therapist
make his penis bald
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TAKE YOUR PHENOBARBITAL ASAP
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THE QUESTION
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THE ANSWER
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pretty red panties
pleather lingerie
under the table panty shots
topless body paint
temporary tattoos eyebrows
nude dinner
naked masquerade
naked hot tubbing
one point cinnamon buns
ebonics shizzle
THE HAROLD PINTER AWARD GOES TO
name is alaska
THE CONTROL-FREAK AWARD GOES TO
bridesmaid cut her hair
HE MEANT TO TYPE ‘BOOBIES’
a woman’s worth is greater than rubies
NICE TRY ON THAT DISABILITY THING
nickel allergy laptop
ALSO LIKES TO SAY ‘MY BAD’
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oops panties
I’LL PASS ON THE FAMILY REUNION THIS YEAR, THANKS
funny father in law
all about second cousins
wife breed sex
problem with daughter in law
grandmothers nude
father in law bra
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breed your daughter
UNLESS THE FAMILY REUNION WILL ALSO FEATURE
tractor-pulling porn
MOST LIKELY TO MEET AN UNDERCOVER COP SOON
school cheerleader blog pic
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT
raping mermaids
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Time-out. (General insanity), See Mommy laugh. (Favorites)
16 Comments
1. Erin | October 1st, 2005 at 9:48 pm
I think I know a Chopin sex therapist.
I don’t know whether to laugh or be horrified at what people are Googling. How do you find these things out?
2. Doxie | October 1st, 2005 at 10:18 pm
The ‘Someone kick him in his ballpark’ just made me snort. The ‘A hyphen and he lives but shouldn’t, a comma and the Taliban eviscerates him while we cheer on the sidelines’ made me have to fight to breathe.
::wipes tears from her eyes:: Now I want to title a novel that: ‘Come, covered slut: the novel that will make you laugh; make you cry; make you host book-burnings in several countries. With sales that rival the Koran, ‘Come, covered slut’ tells the story of one harem girl living in a world that couldn’t give her what she wanted: the freedom to show the tattoo of a potato on her ankle.‘
I have too much time on my hands.
3. Paula | October 1st, 2005 at 10:33 pm
Bravo, Jenn! Another laugh till I cry post. Are you telling me NO ONE googled hoojackapiffy or froufyhooha?
4. Chopin Gal | October 1st, 2005 at 11:00 pm
What the heck?! Chopin and sex therapist in one and the same? I’ll have to think about that … my pseudonym has just been compromised! (Come to think of it, I did have some courses in sex therapy in grad school …)
Hey Doxie … transport your harem girl to Poland - they’re big on potatoes and bare ankles! Harder to find a mosque though … and the Wawel Chapel just won’t cut it. She’d have to convert ….
Were you Googling in the soft room or the hard room?
5. Kirsten | October 2nd, 2005 at 12:30 am
I too was wondering about the hoojackapiffies and froufyhoohas. And they say that usually the top internet searches are sexually related….. Huh.
6. Julie | October 2nd, 2005 at 8:26 am
That is hysterical! I get some screwy searches myself.
7. R J Keefe | October 2nd, 2005 at 8:38 am
My God, Jenn, you’ve revived the Dubes - Esquire’s Dubious Achievement Awards. I’m with Doxie - “Someone Hit HIm In His Ballpark” tickled the yuk muscle, and from then on I was helpless. Great post!
8. Kim | October 2nd, 2005 at 9:28 am
That was hysterical! The best I ever get in my logs is “zerbert”! Clearly, I’m doing something wrong….
9. Anon | October 2nd, 2005 at 9:42 am
You laugh, but one mis-guided search and now I’m hooked. Sometime the Google works in mysterious ways. Just kidding on the mis-guided search part.
10. bitemycookie | October 2nd, 2005 at 4:37 pm
aces, jenn.
11. Spot the Wonder Dog | October 2nd, 2005 at 6:12 pm
Makes me wonder just exactly what kind of Metatags you’re registering.
Btw- of course you realize that by making those terms content on your page, you are likely to get even more search engine hits for people searching using those terms and phrases. For example, by including the phrase “Free XXX Nude Pics” in my reply, I can help make sure that people searching using that phrase are directed here. Here are some other phrases just to help your web traffic:
Harry Potter Series Finale Secrets
Extra-Strength Viagra Anonymous Free Samples
Jenna Bush Naked Pics
Pentagon Secret Access Codes- Free!
Ronald McDonald Mind Control Conspiracy
Barney the Dinosaur- Too Hot for TV.
12. kris | October 2nd, 2005 at 7:56 pm
Oh, NOW I get it, all the interesting freaks are here. I only get the ones who search for things like “cabbage babies”
As always, you just made me laugh like crazy!
13. HollyRhea | October 3rd, 2005 at 9:39 am
You must be a perv to get so many pervie hits.
perv.
14. geogirl | October 3rd, 2005 at 1:17 pm
Bet you can’t wait till Soph hits junior high. All of her little boy pals will be out crusing the internet for a little harmless oogling and they will come across your blog instead.
Yeah…she will be real popular then!!
15. JustLinda | October 3rd, 2005 at 4:58 pm
Somebody googled “ball sack” and ended up at my site and I have no idea why. hahah
Then there was the “squirting milk” google that got them to me (and, um, I DO know why on that one).
16. Siobhan | October 4th, 2005 at 12:15 pm
I tried really hard to maintain respectful silence as requested…but I was overcome…and now I have to explain to Spouse what’s so funny about google and Chopin.
Thanks, I needed that giggle!
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