I am in a strange place with no one but Gloria Putnam Smith and I don’t think she likes me very much
August 17th, 2006
I am in a strange part of a strange state that I don’t know well at all. I am not here for a happy reason, but I am trying to make the best of it, even though I know the next few days will have some low moments, like dinners alone in establishments with names like THE B SIDE, places where I will be dismayed to find myself crying into my sweet potato fries at Don Henley’s acoustic version of “The Heart of the Matter.”
I rent a car. I rent a GPS thing to go in the car, because right now I am by myself and don’t have anyone here to ride shotgun for me and yell NO NO NO THIS ISN’T THE ON RAMP NO NO GO BACK NO DON’T THERE’S A CAR NOW OH MY GOD PULL OVER AND LET ME DRIVE. I am not very good at reading maps (ask my husband about the fight we had in Northeast Minneapolis because I had to turn the map upside down to figure out how to go south) and besides, and I have always thought that map-reading and driving go together about as well as angina and sciatica.
There is my shiny black GPS. I have never had a GPS and I am worried it will not work for me, the way chiropractic medicine and herbal supplements and group therapy and Rogaine do not work for some people. I am feeling very unlucky and very blue and very lost and that is never a good way to begin a relationship.
I try to smile as the airport rental car saleswoman sticks the GPS thing on the inside of my windshield, saying, “Oh, you’re just going to love this. It does everything.”
I say, “Does it make small talk?”
She laughs nervously and exits the car.
Now it’s just me and GPS. Global Positioning System sounds very clinical so I call it Gloria Putnam Smith instead.
“Hello, Gloria Putnam Smith,” I say. I smile some more, hoping Gloria Putnam Smith will not notice my crooked bottom teeth the way four-year-olds do.
Gloria Putnam Smith says nothing. I interpret this as watchful silence. She is waiting for me to make the first move.
I could say I need you, Gloria Putnam Smith. Let’s be best friends, Gloria Putnam Smith. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Gloria Putnam Smith. But I have learned some lessons in my life. So I just reach out and touch Gloria Putnam Smith with my right index finger.
This gets her attention and she starts talking. “TURN LEFT ON AIRPORT BOULEVARD.”
“If you say so,” I say.
I turn left on Airport Boulevard. I want very much to please Gloria Putnam Smith.
“TURN RIGHT ON CAPITAL BOULEVARD,” says Gloria Putnam Smith.
I turn right on Capital Boulevard. I think she is pleased, but I can’t tell for sure. She is not a big talker, and this makes me nervous.
She is also very calm, and this also makes me nervous. I like flappability in a new friend. But Gloria Putnam Smith waits until the very last minute to tell me what to do with my shiny silver Hyundai Accent, which I will surely destroy at some point during my stay, if she doesn’t start anticipating my panic attacks a little better.
My eyes dart nervously back and forth between GPS and the road. .8 miles till I am supposed to turn in some as yet unnamed direction. .7. .5. .2. Nothing from Gloria Putnam Smith.
“COME ON COME ON COME ON I’M COUNTING ON YOU GLORIA PUTNAM SMITH,” I say, squeezing the life out of the steering wheel.
At the very last choose life second, Gloria Putnam Smith says calmly, “TAKE THE RIGHT RAMP ONTO I-40.”
I yelp and swing the Hyundai onto the right ramp. “JESUS CHRIST, GLORIA PUTNAM SMITH.”
Gloria Putnam Smith is offended. She doesn’t say anything, but I am chagrined.
“I’m sorry, Gloria Putnam Smith.”
Gloria Putnam Smith still doesn’t answer.
I try harder to please her. But I start missing turns.
The first time I miss a turn, I hold my breath in terror. What will happen? What will Gloria Putnam Smith do?
Gloria Putnam Smith is considering the matter of my stupidity and slow response time. After several excruciating moments, Gloria Putnam Smith says slowly, “RECALCULATING.” Then she says, “TURN RIGHT ON HAYWARD STREET.”
I am inexpressibly grateful. She is still with me. I will do anything to keep her happy.
But I screw up again. And again. I wince.
Gloria Putnam Smith says, “RECALCULATING.” But this time she says, “re-CALC-ulating” instead of “recalculating.” Gloria Putnam Smith is getting snippy with me. Gloria Putnam Smith is becoming passive-aggressive. I want to flee the scene but I cannot flee the scene because I am the one driving, and I have to return Gloria Putnam Smith in one piece to the car rental agency or I would throw her out the window.
“Re-CAAAALC-ulating.” She is decidedly irritated. I am driving worse and worse. This is terrible. “Re-CAAAALC-ulating. Re-CAAAALC-ulating.”
“Stop it, Gloria Putnam Smith!” I slap at her screen but she will not stop. I am making wrong turn after wrong turn. I don’t know where the hell I am. I despise myself.
Now Gloria Putnam Smith begins slurring. I mean SHE IS SLURRRRRRRRRING. I have driven Gloria Putnam Smith to drink. “REEEEEE-CAAAAAWWWWL-CUUUUULATINGGGH.”
“OH MY GOD! I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN!” I punch at her and try not to drive off the road into a swamp. Now we are abusing each other. This is a very unhealthy relationship and it has to stop. “YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND I AM VERY VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW, GLORIA PUTNAM SMITH!”
“TURN RIGHT ON SMITH ROAD,” says Gloria Putnam Smith, in a pleasant tone.
I don’t know whether I should trust Gloria Putnam Smith, or if she is just setting me up for failure (blame blame blame, that’s all you do, Gloria Putnam Smith!), but I turn right on Smith Road.
“ARRIVING AT 702 SMITH ROAD,” says Gloria Putnam Smith.
I pull into my parking space and take the keys out of the ignition.
Gloria Putnam Smith doesn’t say anything, but her screen says EXTERNAL POWER SOURCE LOST. She grows dim. I feel like Kate Winslet clinging to a soggy log as Leo DiCaprio slips under the water, even though I will see Gloria Putnam Smith again in the morning.
I can make her love me. I know I can.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Time-out. (General insanity)
28 Comments
1. MoMMY | August 17th, 2006 at 8:57 pm
OMG! You made the GPS start drinking! It’s a good thing I wasn’t drinking anything when I read this or it would have come out my nose. Do you think she’s an alcoholic or this is just something you forced her to do?
2. Spot the Wonder Dog | August 17th, 2006 at 9:41 pm
Oh I’m sure you could make her love you, but the rental car folks might not want her back afterwards.
3. Sarah Piazza | August 17th, 2006 at 9:42 pm
The funniest. THE FUNNIEST!
4. Juls | August 17th, 2006 at 10:02 pm
Clever and funny. Technology is funny. Sometimes it works and sometime not. I have stories about my running gps and her name is “Garminia.”
http://www.breakingthetape.com/keeping-pace/2006/08/old_school.html
5. mrsgryphon | August 17th, 2006 at 10:47 pm
Oh, I definitely need an alcoholic, trash-talking GPS now!!
6. KeriS | August 17th, 2006 at 11:20 pm
I am just sad because your affair with Gloria was the last trip you will make to the place we HAD in common. My family is all over that state… We were there in June and will be back for Christmas of 2007. I doubt you will ever have ANYTHING in common with the rest of our “haunts”. Most people do their best to have nothing to do with Oklahoma.
I can only imagine how nerve-wracking it is to be told at the last minute which direction to turn. I would KILL my husband if he gave directions like that, and I LOVE him!
But back in the day - a full 10 years ago, when I was single and adventuresome and thin, a GPS nearly saved my life. I was mischieviously hiking in the pitch dark of Volcanoes National Park (totally against the law) in order to get as close as possible as I could to hot lava. It was easy to get there - follow the smell and then the sight of molten rock on the horizon, glowing in the blackness all around. Getting back to the car in the middle of the night was another story. I was exhasusted, and there were NO landmarks, only dark night and black rock around me… and the rock was unstable and new enough than any footstep could have landed me in a bottomless pit. I only saw my car when I tripped on it - I was so focused on the GPS… only then the screens were also monochrome, no maps, and, thankfully, no voices! Just compas readings and distances! I was never so glad for technology to work the way it was intended!
7. Julie B. | August 18th, 2006 at 1:38 am
OMG, I totally used one of these when I was in a rental car for a wedding! We called her Betsy and she did the same “Re-CALC-ulating” thing. You could just tell she wanted to add “Dumbass” to the end of it.
8. geogirl | August 18th, 2006 at 6:50 am
As someone who makes maps for a living….I am both highly offended and hysterically laughing right now. It’s quite an odd feeling. And can I just say that the part about you having to turn the map upside down made my heart hurt a little.
I have known a LOT of geographicly challanged people in my time but this… I mean, my mother could get lost walking from the kitchen to the living room if reading a map was involved but she has NEVER driven a GPS unit to drink. That takes a special talent. You are truly gifted.
Jenn, the next time you go on a trip I will gladly sit in the passenger seat and read your map for you and I promise I won’t get snippy. No guarantees on the drinking though.
9. Antonia | August 18th, 2006 at 6:52 am
My father has a Gloria Putnam Smith and her unflappability drives him mad too. He wants one that snaps at him like an ex-wife and uses F words when he misses turnings.
10. JustLinda | August 18th, 2006 at 9:12 am
HAHAHAHAHAH Oh my god, that was so funny.
You know? Had you gone with Gregory Putnam Smith instead of Gloria, you may have had more, um, OPTIONS. More tactics to call upon to gain his full cooperation. If it was Gregory Putnam Smith, he would have been more easily manipulated, you could have just wiggled your fingers a tiny bit right down THERE and he would have taken you any where you wanted to go….
From now on, I’m only renting male GPS’s. Of course, what happens if THEY get lost? Lord knows they’ll never stop for directions. Maybe you were smarter sticking with Gloria…
11. Andrea S. | August 18th, 2006 at 9:54 am
The last choose life moment. Hahahahaha!
Yeah, unflappability isn’t soothing. Nope. It’s like driving with Ben Stein in the passenger seat. “Turn right on Bueller…Bueller…Bueller…Bueller…” *punch*
I hope your trip goes well and quickly so you can get back to your family.
12. tina | August 18th, 2006 at 10:19 am
where are you? is this the north carolina trip? you’re doing this ALONE???
13. Angie | August 18th, 2006 at 10:33 am
I really almost stopped reading the blog to google Gloria Putnam Smith. . . classic!
14. sweetney | August 18th, 2006 at 10:39 am
you are seriously cracking my shit up over here. GLORIA! [insert strains Laura Brannigan song]
15. nolamom | August 18th, 2006 at 11:20 am
You said that you are not there for a happy reason, but you will try and make the best of it. What happened? I’m sorry you are by yourself, except for Gloria, sure wish we could beam someone up to you like Star Trek, so you wouldn’t be alone.
16. marian | August 18th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
I could not possibly handle that as well as you did. I like to know about five miles in advance exactly what I will have to do. And I turn maps upside down, too. How the hell else can you figure out where to go? You have to pretend you’re a tiny little molecular car driving down the tiny road on the map, right?
17. ku nkiko | August 18th, 2006 at 2:41 pm
I think I love you.
(So what am I so afraid of?)
18. Hillary | August 18th, 2006 at 6:22 pm
I will say that Northeast is insanely difficult to navigate, especially since Minneapolis has the same numbered streets for north and northeast, for instance, 46th St N and 46th St NE.
19. linda | August 19th, 2006 at 11:38 am
My husband had a midlife crisis and bought an effing porsche with GPS. On a simple ride 2 weeks later the thing kept telling us we were driving in water and turn left when there was no street there. Finally, I opened my window and stopped a woman walking her dog. I said my husband’s fancy new gps has had a stroke, can you tell us how to get to park rd? She didn’t laugh out loud but I know she laughed when we pulled away!
20. Jenny | August 19th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
Brilliant. Again. Always.
Gloria Putnam Smith won’t let you down. She’s fickle, but she loves you. I just know it.
21. Nancy | August 20th, 2006 at 6:39 pm
My husband swears that the navigation system in our Prius sounds like Captain Janeway of Star Trek Voyager. Maybe our Captain Janeway and your Gloria Putnam Smith can get together and curse the stupidity of human drivers who don’t know how to adequately follow directions.
22. Patti | August 21st, 2006 at 9:17 am
For a little extra fun, try it in German. That bitch Frau Smith will reach out and smack you for going down the wrong strasse.
23. The Homosexuals | August 21st, 2006 at 4:50 pm
Aha haaaa!
Neither Rogaine nor group therapy worked for me. And your column made he laugh out loud today.
Your favorite balding you-know-what.
24. Dawn | August 23rd, 2006 at 5:35 pm
For some odd reason, I see a book in the making
“GPS systems, and the women who feel compelled to make them love them”
25. geogirl | August 24th, 2006 at 11:44 am
Better Book Title:
“When PMS meets GPS”
26. chris | August 25th, 2006 at 9:19 am
you absolutely made my day with this one!
27. the Mater | August 28th, 2006 at 8:02 am
Love the book titles!
And why do we feel compelled to talk to our machines?! Another book title: “AI and Desperate Housewives”
28. Robin | September 1st, 2006 at 9:45 am
Reminds me of that scene in Space Odyssey where Hal keeps getting slower and slower until he dies. “Just what do you think you’re doing, Jennifer?”
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