How to get yourself smited
August 8th, 2006
We are reading Sammy the Spider Goes to Israel. I will not provide my husband with a kosher kitchen, but I do read books like Sammy the Spider Goes to Israel to his children.
Sophie likes this book, which is about a little spider who hops into a toy plane that a little boy takes along on a real plane to Israel.
I am in the middle of a sentence and—errpghh—I burp. Loudly. Offensively. I struggle to collect myself. This is not the sort of book that one should be burping in the middle of. You know it’s not. No good at all can come from burping in the middle of Sammy the Spider Goes to Israel.
Sophie is shaking. At first I think she is having a seizure, and I wonder if I should call someone. But it turns out Sophie is shaking because her mother has just burped in the middle of Sammy the Spider Goes to Israel, and she knows this is smite-worthy. Her mother will be smote. Smoten. Smited. Sammy the Spider Goes to Israel and Mommy Goes to the Fiery Depths of Hell!
“Excuse me,” I say. “I’m sorry about that.”
More shaking. Mewing sounds. She can’t breathe.
“Okay,” I say. “Okaaaaay. Let’s get back to Sammy—”
I have never seen her laugh like this. She is trying to tell me something.
“It sounds good!” she finally says. “It sounds like it’s really part of the book! SAMMY THE SPIDER WENT TO JERUSALEM BURRRRRRRRRRRRP!”
She laughs harder. She passes gas.
If we were reading Clifford the Big Red Dog tonight, these improprieties would not be a problem. But we are reading Sammy the Spider Goes to Israel.
“Gas! Burp! Shalom!” yells Sophie.
“Okay now—”
“And then Sammy the Spider said, ‘I’m in Israel and GAS! BURP!’ And his mother said, ‘BURRRRRRRP—’”
“Uh, okay—”
“And his mother was like, ‘Sammy, you’re in Jerusalem and I want to BURRRRRP! GASSSSSS!’”
I try to change the subject because I have a lot to do this week. This is really not a good week for being smotened or turned into a pillar of salt.
“There is a grownup movie this is starting to remind me of.”
“What is it? BURRRRRP!” She is having a splendid evening.
“It’s called The Aristocrats and all it is is grownups saying filthy things.”
This has gotten her attention. “Like what?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Please? Just one?”
“I can’t. I’m not allowed.”
“Why not?”
“Parents can’t say these words to their children. You can see the movie someday and we’ll talk about it then.”
She scowl-pouts. “Just one.”
“I can’t. They’re that bad.”
Her eyes are suddenly huge. “Will you go to jail? Will the police come?”
“Probably not, but I don’t want to risk it. Let’s finish Sammy the Spider Goes to Israel instead.”
“Okay.”
We manage to pick up where we left off.
I burp a second time. Out of nowhere. It’s appalling.
“BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!” shrieks Sophie. She has never loved her mother more than she does right now.
“Oh no, no, look, no, I’m sorry—”
“It starts all over again! BURRRRRP! SHALOM! GASSSSS!”
“No, no, no, honey, we can’t talk like that—”
“Okay,” she says, trying to contain herself. She does a little magic wave with her hand. “Rip away that rule.” She means, Okay, I’ll waive the rule that says the burp comedy has to start over because my disgusting mother just burped again.
I am trying not to laugh. She is trying not to laugh. We are lying next to each other trying not to laugh and it is making us laugh.
“Maybe we should go on that show,” she says.
“What show?”
“The show where they say bad things,” she says.
“Oh, that show.” I turn off the light.
“SAMMY SPIDER VAGINA!” she yells in the dark.
“NO NO NO honey we can’t do that—”
“Why not?”
“It’s just—it’s not—that’s not where Sammy the Spider went.”
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Because I said so. (Parenting), Tattletales. (Mouths of babes)
39 Comments
1. Katie | August 8th, 2006 at 12:11 am
Crap, you made me snort again. Your stories are the best!
2. Raehan | August 8th, 2006 at 12:44 am
I’m thinking Sammy the Spider didn’t feel like going to Israel right then. He wanted to laugh about gas and vaginas instead.
3. velocibadgergirl | August 8th, 2006 at 12:57 am
“SAMMY SPIDER VAGINA” said Sophie.
And then I laughed so hard I almost died.
The end.
Shalom.
4. mom on a wire | August 8th, 2006 at 1:09 am
You are my kind of people.
5. Sarah | August 8th, 2006 at 6:42 am
The world needs more people like Sophie.
6. the Mater | August 8th, 2006 at 8:24 am
As crazy as this final week of packing is … there are you and Sophie and the H-bomb and the Fruit Painter awaiting me in my new neighborhood. What more could anyone ask?
BURP.
Sophie has inherited her momma’s humor genes for sure.
Sammy the Spider goes to the Berkshires … ROTFLOL, I’m suddenly back in time, seeing you running down the hallway as a little tot yelling “Joseph’s got a peanut and I got a ‘gina!”
And now there’s Sophie to contend with :>)
SHALOM. Can’t wait to arrive!
7. Bethany | August 8th, 2006 at 8:30 am
I laughed so hard I may have the hiccups. Don’t tell Sophie.
8. geogirl | August 8th, 2006 at 8:37 am
Best. Bedtime. Story. Ever!
9. elsimom | August 8th, 2006 at 9:11 am
the tears
are rolling
down my cheeks
and soon someone will
come in my office
and wonder
what the heck?!
oh mercy, mercy.
10. Liz | August 8th, 2006 at 9:24 am
you. are. the. best.
Reminds me of when we were listening to a story on tape in the car w/our 2 kids, ages 8 and 4 or so at the time (3 or so years ago) — the narrator was giving the instructions for the tape and said “when you hear this sound *bring!* turn the page” … only, my husband belched loudly right when the narrator said *bring!* — when you hear this sound - BELCH! — we laughed over it for the rest of the ride and to this day when dad burps, someone is compelled to say “turn the page!”
11. Amy | August 8th, 2006 at 9:33 am
well done - great story, but even better delivery, no wonder you are a playwrite.
12. Amy (binkytown) | August 8th, 2006 at 9:38 am
That was truly laugh out loud funny- so funny I couldnt justify typing LOL I had to spell it out!
13. Lisa S. | August 8th, 2006 at 9:40 am
I
can’t
stop
laughing
14. Andrea S. | August 8th, 2006 at 10:01 am
I just ruined my keyboard. Those unexpected burps will getcha every time. I love Sophie’s reaction to them.
I think I’m going to borrow her idea that when something’s funny in a naughty way, it’s okay to just shout “Vagina!”
15. karina | August 8th, 2006 at 10:22 am
That is really funny! Sophie is such a character! I love you telling her that “that’s not where Sammy the Spider went.” (Sammy the snake might be a different story.)
16. J | August 8th, 2006 at 10:42 am
israeli spiders, vaginas and flatulence…. good times.
17. Mother Chaos | August 8th, 2006 at 1:55 pm
That laugh was TOTALLY worth the strain on my sore throat. Holy carp. Y’all are our kinda people.
….”That’s not where Sammy the Spider went”…
SNORT!
18. Tree | August 8th, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Hahahahahaha!
Vagina!
Oh, so much fun!
19. Vikki | August 8th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
We are flying to Portugal tomorrow and I am really hoping that one of my children doesn’t scream “Vagina” on the plane. There have been such utterances in our house lately as well and, though it makes a great story, I think it might be awhile before I could appreciate it.
So, if you see a visitor from Portugal on your site meter…it’s probably me!
20. Heather | August 8th, 2006 at 4:33 pm
I still have a very vivid memory invoving belching, and a song my dad was reading to me in a book. (honesly how many people aside from your daughter and I can say that?)
My dad was reading my sister and one of the Jacob Two-Two and the Dinosaur and there’s a part where they’re singing the song bicycle built for two (”Daisy, daisy tell me your answer true, I’m all crazy…”) and my dad continually belched when he went to sing it. My sister and I exploded in laughter every time and he maintains to this day it was completely involuntary.
21. nolamom | August 8th, 2006 at 4:49 pm
“She laughs harder. She passes gas.”
My almost 4 yo girl does that when she laughs hard too, and it makes her laugh hysterically. In our house, we call it poofing because we don’t want them to say farting. Fresh out of the bathtub just about every night, if she poofs before she is dried off, she laughs, because it makes this “braaap” sound, she says, “hahahaa, I just love to do that”! Aaaah, childhood, brings back lots of memories, doesn’t it? LOL. Good job Jenn.
22. Tiff | August 8th, 2006 at 6:29 pm
And once again I am completely overcome with laughBURRRRRPter.
23. Kathleen Marie | August 8th, 2006 at 7:28 pm
I’ll bet you never thought motherhood could be so much fun. Just wait until she hits the teen years
24. Sheila | August 8th, 2006 at 7:44 pm
I had the exact same experience, except I’m Sophie, and I’m in college, and my Economics professor– a very Earthy woman–, belched in the middle of a lecture on Supply and DemAAAAHHHUURRPnd. I was in the front row of a very small lecture hall, and I could NOT get it together. For the next 45 minutes, I giggled, I shook, I cried, I snorted, bit my lip, sweated, stared at the floor, stared at the ceiling, guffawed some more, and also endured the indignant stares and scoffs from my classmates seated around and behind me. I’m sure they were all thinking, “Get over it already!” It was the funniest and most agonizing hour of my life. I almost had to drop the class after that.
25. Debby | August 8th, 2006 at 10:10 pm
spiders and burps and vaginas OH MY
it’s not the yellow brick road it’s SHALOM
OMG, I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING AND I HAVE TO PEE
i love sophie
i love sophie
i love sophie
26. moxiemomma | August 9th, 2006 at 12:03 am
omg, i just had the absolute wooooooooooorst day and laughed my way through that entire post. thank the good lord for giving jenn and sophie gas and a sense of humor is all i can say!
27. Sarah B. | August 9th, 2006 at 1:06 am
Hi, Jenn~
We may have met once (at Grinnell, I’m a h.s. friend of M’s) but I’ve been really enjoying reading your posts from Israel! Wanted to chime in to say we have good friends here who refer to gas as a “tushy-burp” which combines the best of all, no? Be well.
28. the Mater | August 9th, 2006 at 9:05 am
A “tushy burp” … LOL Brilliant! Must tell Sophie.
29. Mom101 | August 9th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Farts and burps are funny. Always. That subject in your skilled hands - well, let’s just say it’s not fair that you didn’t warn those of us reading (and chuckling and snorting and crying) in the vicinity of others.
30. Jenny | August 10th, 2006 at 1:33 am
*wiping away tears*
Oy, I needed that laugh. You are a treasure.
I think there is some joke about ‘ginas and spiders, but I am lousy with punchlines, and I’m reasonably sure that it is smite-worthy.
Now I’m tempted to blog about my family’s recent 2-liter bottle of soda burp-off, girls vs. boys, right at the dinner table.
31. Angela | August 10th, 2006 at 10:36 am
Too much funny! It reminded me of when my (Jewish, incidentally) botany professor had the class lined up for a photo. He picked up the camera and said “one, two, … SCROTUM!” I’ve never seen the photo, but the looks of shock and horror must have been fantastic.
32. Spot the Wonder Dog | August 10th, 2006 at 11:49 am
Too bad you weren’t reading “Everybody Poops”. Could’ve provided even more learning opportunities.
33. Lauren | August 10th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
This is a great story. I can just imagine the entire scenario.
You are a fabulous writer… I’ve just spent some time perusing your archives. Thanks for the entertainment.
34. Beth | August 10th, 2006 at 10:45 pm
Ah, female butt humor - love it. New to your blog. This was a great last post to read to end the day - thanks.
35. Chewie | August 14th, 2006 at 11:12 am
oh my word!
This totally reminded me of the time my dh was trying to do a Sabbath ceremony to teach the kids (we have four) about the history of our faith and one of the kids let out the hugest GASSSSS and then the oldest one said “hey…that sounded like a SHOFART!”
OH MY WORD!
36. pogonip | August 15th, 2006 at 11:14 pm
Okay, this is why I’m a fan! On second thought, make that a phan…
The heat has broken and the computer room is livable again and I’m ROTFL, as usual.
37. Sangrita | August 16th, 2006 at 2:25 am
Shalom! (And BURRRRRRRRRRRRP, of course. With a side of gas.)
I dunno about Isreal, or a vagina, but Sammy the spider DEFINITELY went up my coworkers nose while she was sleeping…and bit her.
My sister and I just laughed so hard that our guts hurt now and we nearly cried. Everyone’s gonna wake up and we’re going to be in trouble…until we tell them about SAMMY SPIDER VAGINA!
38. Erin | August 17th, 2006 at 7:15 pm
You are really a great writer. I long to be so funny.
(It’s “smitten,” by the way. I looked it up ‘cause I’m insane that way. He smites; He smote; He hath smitten. I am smitten. Now it’s starting to sound weird in my head.)
39. Pamela Caproni | August 20th, 2006 at 8:25 am
f#@*ing hysterical!!!!!
Thanks for the laugh
Trackback this post