Start spreading the germs / They’re breeding today / It wants to be a part of me / New York, New York
July 5th, 2006
I have ruined my daughter completely. If she wasn’t doomed to a life of neurosis and germ-phobia before, oh, she is now. We had a few Kodachrome-worthy mother-daughter moments in NYC, sure, but overall? Not so much. I could not relax, because the child was touching everything. Within an hour of our arrival at Penn Station, I could no longer see my child’s hands. In their place were two glowing petri dishes crawling with urban wretchedness.
I squirted her with Purell every chance I got. I bodychecked her through bathroom doors with my hips. I thought about toe fungus as she leapt around barefoot on the FAO Schwartz Tom Hanks piano keys and I threw up a little bit in my mouth. I yelped. I growled. I lunged. I said DON’T TOUCH THAT DON’T TOUCH IT DON’T PICK IT UP DON’T TOUCH YOUR SHOES DON’T PUT YOUR FINGERS NEAR YOUR MOUTH DON’T PUT YOUR FINGERS NEAR MY MOUTH DID YOU SEE THE PEE ON THE FLOOR THERE ARE GERMS ON THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHO TOUCHED THAT LAST DON’T DON’T DON’T PLEASE DON’T PLEASE FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST LISTEN TO MOMMY LIKE LAURA INGALLS LISTENED TO HER MOMMY WHEN HER MOMMY SLAPPED THE BEAR.
Sometimes I also said things like, Do you believe how tall the buildings are? or You were born somewhere over there and I could see this bridge from the room you were born in and Please walk because if I have to carry you any farther I will puke from exertion and then there will be more germs to deal with, all over you and my shoes.
Because there are so many wonderful restaurants in New York, I decided to take her to one on the Upper East side, a cozy place with a very attractive red-and-yellow color scheme. I believe it was an Irish restaurant. The fries and chocolate milk were excellent. If only I could remember the name for you.
At the “restaurant,” I looked at her pale, sweaty face across the table, and felt bad that I had just told her not to touch that table. I said, “Am I driving you crazy?”
She looked at me. Then, the silent thumbs-up sign: affirmative.
I said, “I don’t mean to drive you crazy, I’m sorry. I just worry about you because I love you.”
She sighed. At five, she is already a very experienced sigher. “Worrying is BAD. Daddy doesn’t worry about us like that, but he always cares about us, and we almost never die.”
I fumbled for my purse, the one I WAS ALREADY CLUTCHING TO MY BOSOM WITH A DEATH GRIP TO KEEP IT FROM MUGGERS.
“Oh no,” she said.
“What?”
“You’re going to write this down, aren’t you.”
“Yes. Yes, I am.”
Below: Soph dares me to Purell the swing. Or maybe she’s trying to kick me in the face.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Because I said so. (Parenting), Playdates. (Relationships)
50 Comments
1. melinda | July 6th, 2006 at 12:07 am
Oh man. You went there. You delved into the Little House on the Prairie school of parenting. Before you know it, it’s salt pork and vanity cakes for dinner for everyone…
Glad you had a good visit. I’ve been a lurker on your site for awhile — you’re hilarious.
2. Simon | July 6th, 2006 at 12:23 am
No, she’s saying, “Look Mommy! I’m almost not dying again. Want to write this down too? Crazy lady.”
3. carole | July 6th, 2006 at 12:24 am
Girl, you need to write a book. You are East-Village Inky-style funny.
4. Spot the Wonder Dog | July 6th, 2006 at 1:03 am
Does Purell work on Anthrax?
5. Mommy off the Record | July 6th, 2006 at 1:22 am
My dad is the exact same way when it comes to germs. This past winter, each time he saw me he would send me home with a new disinfectant. I actually have a touch of his neurosis, but haven’t become completely OCD (yet…).
By the way, I love your writing. I have bloglined you so I’ll be back.
6. Carolie | July 6th, 2006 at 2:19 am
I’m so glad I found you! Great writing, great humor. As for the germ stuff, I grew up in Philly, with the 5-second rule, sharing sodas with inner city friends and mainline friends alike. My cousin grew up in the suburbs with a germphobic mom. Guess who gets sick all the time, and guess who is DISGUSTINGLY healthy? Yeah, that’s right…I’m NEVER sick, and I wouldn’t Purell if you paid me. Maybe I’ve just developed a bunch of immunities? Remember the Indians, isolated from germs, then wiped out by fever and smallpox…
Well. Wasn’t THAT a pretty way to introduce myself. My apologies!
May I visit again anyway? I promise to wash my hands first, and not breathe on anyone!
(Actually, here in Japan, I love the little face masks people wear. They don’t wear them to protect themselves from others, they wear them when THEY have colds, so they don’t spread their own germs!)
7. Carolie | July 6th, 2006 at 2:22 am
p.s.–beware the Little House on the Prarie school of parenting… at 6 years old, in a brand new school building, I confidently told several friends that the metal can of brown goopy stuff by the sink was “soft soap, just like Laura and Mary used…”
It was that water-proof, practically indestructible stuff plumbers use to seal the toilet fixture to the floor.
Yeah, took forever to get that stuff off our little hands. Several mothers were NOT amused.
8. Sarah | July 6th, 2006 at 5:03 am
I love what Sophie said and may say it to my father sometime. Trouble is, I’m 24, so you’d think he’d have cottoned on by now to the fact that I’ve almost never died.
9. Margaret | July 6th, 2006 at 7:09 am
“We almost never die.” If that’s not an argument for continuing the Purell regiment I don’t know what is.
I’m loving that you pulled out the Little House reference. You just can’t go wrong in life if you ask yourself WWCID? (What would Charles Ingalls do?)
10. geogirl | July 6th, 2006 at 7:14 am
ALMOST never died??? So how does that work exactly?
The kid has a point though. Didn’t you ever watch George Carlin. He said the reason he never gets sick is because he grew up in New York swimming in the east river. Once his body got use to the sewage, it was resistant to ANYTHING!!!
11. mamatulip | July 6th, 2006 at 8:16 am
I’m a big germ-phobe. I would go crazy in NY with my kids. I’m glad I’ll never have to…if I ever get the urge, I’ll just pull up this page and read it again.
12. Sarah | July 6th, 2006 at 8:41 am
@ Margaret - that is indeed a good way to live … but what about that time Laura was whipped for slapping Mary, even though Mary quite clearly deserved it because she’d been spiteful about Laura’s hair? Oh, that was a black mark against Pa, I thought.
13. Mir | July 6th, 2006 at 8:41 am
Bwahahahaha. I say good for you. Jenn. Sophie clearly gets you, and digs you anyway.
14. Bethany | July 6th, 2006 at 8:45 am
Geogirl you stole my line! I laughed so hard reading this thinking of George Carlin.
Think of it this way, Jenn. You did wonders for her immune system just taking her to NY!
15. kt flynnie | July 6th, 2006 at 9:45 am
Purell probably made a fortune on you that day alone hehe…did she really do the signature thumbs up sign??? i miss the mattern/lane clan
16. Jen | July 6th, 2006 at 9:50 am
The silent thumbs up, the “and we almost never die”, the “you are gonna write this down, aren’t you?”…it’s hard for me to pick a favorite line here.
I do agree with the person who wrote “WWCID”. heh.
17. Andrea S. | July 6th, 2006 at 10:21 am
“…and we almost never die.” That’s awesome!
18. JustLinda | July 6th, 2006 at 10:51 am
My two favorite parts: Laura Ingalls and “We almost never die.” HAHAHAHA Sounds like a good trip.
You could be like me, all blase’ and not worried about the germs at all, but then you might spend 5 months fighting a damn toe fungus! UGH! (Evidently, I llike talking abut my toe fungus.)
19. bee | July 6th, 2006 at 11:30 am
Wait, who threw up a little bit in your mouth? Am I reading that correctly? ‘Cause…ew? Still, it sounds as if you did a fine job and had some fun as well.
20. Kathleen Marie | July 6th, 2006 at 11:51 am
Haha! I love it!
Now, wait until your kids are in their 20’s. I have three of them in their 20’s now and one almost 15 year old boy entering high school this fall. If they are still talking to you when their 18 or over, calling and asking for advice, visiting now and then, you will have done just fine.
My kids grew up on a farm, and I can’t imagine you having deal with worms, no not the garden variety but the kind kids can get from playing in a hog yard. Yes, it was extremely gross and disgusting and they are all normal today and living in large cities. And, “they all almost never died!” Great line!
Trust me, it takes a lot more than germaphobia to ruin a kids life!
21. heather | July 6th, 2006 at 1:16 pm
“I thought about toe fungus as she leapt around barefoot on the FAO Schwartz Tom Hanks piano keys and threw up a little bit in my mouth.”
Well, no wonder you yelped and growled and felt sick. If my non-bird kids were throwing up a little bit in my mouth, I’d get sick, too!
22. the Mater | July 6th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
I guess you’ve caught the OC behavior from me … “don’t touch it you don’t know where it’s been.”
I love that Sophie got to play “big” on the FAO Schwartz keyboard. She looks so happy and carefree on the swing! Her wry observations are now becoming Sophie classics.
Next time let her hold the Purell while you run barefoot through the park :>)
23. Claudai | July 6th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
I was waiting for a bus in a bus shelter in midtown a few years ago, when I was pregnant with my 1st. I watched in horrified amazement as a young child (5-ish?), also waiting for the bus, started licking the glass of the bus shelter. Did I tell his mother? Did I warn him about the germs? No, of course not. I called my husband immediately and said “No public transportation for the baby!”
24. Jenn | July 6th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
Uh, okay, I fixed the throw-up bit. Rereading that, I threw up in my mouth again.
25. Tia | July 6th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
I am totally the same way about germs and I am sure will be sitting across from my oldest asking her the same question getting, no doubt the same response. I can not imagine NYC with a kid for that very reason, so loved the whole montage of warnings in all caps. Hilarious.
Anyway, you are a brilliant writer and I love your blog and your articles in Brain, Child. I write and express my mom life with a blog also: mommatiablog.blogspot.com
Love that you made a reference to Caroline Ingalls, who I aspire to be more like in character and deed all the dang time. Last week I referenced The Ingalls and their humble delights in an entry entitled Hotter Than Hades. :O)
Thanks for the quality blogging!
26. ryann | July 6th, 2006 at 5:35 pm
So, do you have a new niece yet? Inquiring minds need to know. I think Katieface is about 2 weeks ahead of me.
Germs make children stronger. That’s what I’m telling myself when I have to pick a pacifier up off of a city street and give it back to the kid because I don’t have any water handy to give it a ’sterilizing’ rinse.
27. Paul | July 6th, 2006 at 7:03 pm
Yeah. Dads and moms are inherently different, and I don’t think kids can help but compare us.
I loved your post. I can totally see a five year old’s facial expressions as she says, “Oh no. You’re goign to write this down.” Too cute.
28. jbeeky | July 6th, 2006 at 7:34 pm
I used to boil pacifiers and invest in body sized portions of Purel until I was waiting in line to return something at TJMAXX and saw my son chewing something. He pointed to the underside of the counter and said triumphantly, “GUM!”. I realized then that my son was obviously part of a larger, heavily funded study to test the innoculative powers of old gum, pigeon feathers and sand. I am breathlessly awaiting the results.
29. geogirl | July 6th, 2006 at 8:02 pm
According to my mom parents will get over their germ phopia as they become more experianced (or lazy). With their first child (my sister) they freaked out over every little thing. When the second and third children came along they found themselves becoming more and more relaxed about things and by the time the fourth kid (me) popped out they pretty much gave up.
My mom would say “With your sister, if the pacifier fell on the floor we immediately boiled it or threw it away. With you, it could have fallen into the dogs bowl and he could have chewed on it and we would just brush it off and stick it back in your mouth.”
(Um…I’m really hoping she was just making that part up to illustrate a point. Eew!!)
30. Mom101 | July 6th, 2006 at 8:07 pm
Maybe it’s just because I’m here full time but I don’t even think about germs anymore. The way I see it, there are just as many where you live - maybe worse because you’re not thinking about them so much so they sort of sneak their way into your life.
I’m sorry I missed your last post so I could have told you to take many cabs with her. It was one of my great joys growing up around the city.
Consider me the voice of relaxed dissent. Glad you enjoyed the sit-tay.
31. Dawn | July 6th, 2006 at 9:21 pm
I love this post! I am new to reading your blog but I will come back often to read it. I used to work in a daycare where we sanitized everything with a bleach water mixture! My oldest son went there while I worked from the time he was 7 months old till he was 2 1/2 years old. He was ALWAYS getting sick! And so was I!. Son number two came along and I became a stay at home mom with my two boys and son number two loves dirt! He has been much healthier than son number one. And now son number 3 is 9 months old and except for a couple colds he has been fairly healthy, so I say ” GOD made dirt, dirt don’t hurt!” Yes certain places gross me out and I warn my kids, but for the most part the more germs they have been exposed too the more immune they seem to be!
32. roo | July 6th, 2006 at 10:56 pm
I’m reminded of the Simpsons episode where Bart, in an attempt to get sympathy money from strangers, claimed to have lost his sense of taste. To prove it, he licked a New York subway pole.
He gagged, and muttered something about New York being way out of his league.
All I can say is, I never understood why anyone would need a straw for a can of soda until I moved here.
Also– Your daughter is a genius. I’m waiting for her book to come out.
33. Deb | July 7th, 2006 at 12:03 am
Alas, I am not a germaphobe mama….my husband makes up for it in spades! He was horrified by my habit of taking a dirty cup out of the sink full of dishes and rinsing it in warm water and then drinking out of it again!
Once I ate a hamburger off the floor of our car and lived to tell about it. (5 second rule!) (You would be so much more impressed by this if you SAW the floor of our car!) The only thing that freaked me out was my son’s fascination with garbage cans…..he was compelled to touch each and every one AND look inside, sometimes putting his head in there!! That made me scream at him! …..ewwww
Sophie is so mature in her assessment of it all……
34. Juls | July 7th, 2006 at 12:25 am
Too, too, too FUNNY.
35. Meg | July 7th, 2006 at 2:42 am
I love it. My OCD heart holds you dear.
36. Eileen | July 7th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
You try. You really try. But you can’t control it, those germs are going to win. Because kids LOVE them.
Whatever you do, do not spend too much time volunteering at your daughter’s kindergarten class. Because you are going to die of shock after finding out what the other kids are wiping all over your daughter’s hands and the surfaces she touches over and over and over and over again…
It’s hopeless anyway. They do end runs around you.
The other day my 16yo son was indulging his loving paranoid mother by actually holding a conversation that consisted of grunts. I won’t do that again.
Son (dreamily): I remember when I was still in my crib. A couple times I woke up and ate some of the poop from my diaper.
Me: Huh. That’s interesting. Do you know where I put the Ritual Suicide knives?
37. Kimberly | July 7th, 2006 at 2:06 pm
Ha! I once went through an entire pack of wipes on a day trip to NYC with my daughter. An entire pack!!
38. Sheri | July 7th, 2006 at 2:51 pm
“We almost never die.” !!! LOL I love it.
39. The Homosexuals | July 7th, 2006 at 4:34 pm
You…came to New York and you…didn’t see us?
[sob.]
40. JGS | July 7th, 2006 at 9:08 pm
I was afraid I was the only one who lunged for a piece of paper and pen whenever my Okapis say something I need to remember to write a post. Phew! Thanks.
41. ChristyD | July 8th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
Oooh ooh! So jealous that you got to go to NYC, and what a treat to spend time with one kiddo at a time. I actually had an allergist tell me that if my daughter’s pacifier fell on the floor NOT to wash it because as he said, “She needs as much dirt in her diet as possible.” It certainly takes the pressure off me. Anyway the theory is that a busy immune system won’t have time to react to benign stuff. Who knows, but I love his philosophy. Thanks for making me laugh… again!
42. J | July 8th, 2006 at 7:17 pm
I loved this! I was in NY a week ago with my youngest, I stopped to talk to our friend’s neighbor who suddenly grew silent, I looked down at the baby and saw that he was trying to lick the tire of a parked car. I wet wiped his tongue. I understand the need to Purell (we call it creep-off) everything, believe me I do…..
43. Dawn | July 9th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
See Dawn screaming at Disney world:
“DO NOT DRINK THAT WATER. JUST BECAUSE IT SHOOTS OUT OF A FOUNTAIN DO NOT OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND DRINK IT”
44. lena | July 9th, 2006 at 11:02 pm
A little neurotic cleanliness never hurt anyone. At least your five year old doesn’t warn other kids about Ecoli at McDonalds like mine.
See. You still have the edge to go over.
45. Anne | July 10th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
Oh gawd that was funny. I’m the sad Mum with the purell bottle at the ready all the time (can’t they invent a wrist holster for that?, sort of like Spiderman?). I am even teaching my children how to flush the public toilets with their feet…
Anne
46. sweetney | July 10th, 2006 at 9:27 pm
“…and we almost never die.”
that right there is GEEEENIUS, folks.
47. sumo | July 11th, 2006 at 5:31 am
This reminds me of a scene in Along Came Polly, an ultimately forgettable movie that did have a few moments. Ben Stiller convincingly explains why the peanuts in bowls at bars are laced with urine, statistically speaking. Jennifer Aniston’s response is to eat the peanuts.
48. Mom of Two Brooklyn Babes | July 12th, 2006 at 10:05 pm
OK, this is the first time I’ve written into this blog because I am fighting mad. My kids were conceived, born and are being raised right here in Brooklyn NY and they are tough as nails & healthier than most!
What most don’t realize is that the inner city is the *real* frontier. We’ve hauling heavy bags around like Pa dragging logs. We’ve climbing 5 flights of stairs daily like Laura climbing the “tableland” in the LITTLE HOUSE book. We don’t own a car, carry everything EVERYWHERE. My muscles rival Ma’s (truly)! I’ll go out on a line and say that my Brooklyn Babes (6 & 1) are stronger than any suburban kid in Walmart America!
(Sorry, but I just couldn’t let this one go …)
49. Amy | July 13th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
FIve kids. 4 cases of ear infection between them all. non Purell carrier. No alergies. and they each get a cold maybe once a year.
works for me. but then I don’t live in a city.
50. DCA | July 18th, 2006 at 12:00 am
Spot the Wonder Dog - “Does Purell Kill Anthrax” hysterical
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