We laugh as his vision dims and his twinkie shrivels beyond all recognition
May 8th, 2006
The Mater has been visiting, and our week together has been full of quotables like, Get the steak. I miss seeing you eat steak. Which is charming and baffling and eating-disorder-triggering and back to charming again all in the span of two microseconds. Life with my mother is a constant temptation to put up one of those quoteboards you find in the hallways of dorms inhabited by lots of drunk freshmen. This is a cute lady! You would love this lady! You see why I want her to move up here. Then we really would have to give in and put up a quoteboard.
Anyway, of course Mom and I watched David Blaine try to hold his breath for nine minutes tonight live on ABC in the Lincoln Center fishbowl. Live on ABC! LIVE! BUT NEARLY DEAD! Laughing it up over here! Seriously, we may use decent grammar, and she may say adorable things, but Mom and I have just as much schadenfreude coursing through our veins as anybody else. But we wouldn’t eat our young or anything. Well, Ma ate four of us but spared me and my one brother so I could write a blog someday and he could deliver babies and save people’s lives and have a really photogenic family.
But back to everybody’s favorite dumb-tushie, Mr. Blaine. The cameramen got a few up-close shots of Blaine’s now-corpse-like hands, which at this point had been submerged for like, six dumb days of total and complete watery dumbness.
My mother: I bet his little twinkie doesn’t look too great right now. [crying]
Me: [crying]
My mother and me: [more twinkie talk, more crying]
At this point, David was having considerable trouble marking papers in the adjoining room, the Den That Is Not A Den. So he gave in and joined the cacklers. And the conversation.
David: [skeptical] Are you sure he doesn’t have some tube going up his leg with oxygen?
My mother: I never heard of a tube blowing oxygen up your froufyhooha. [pause] It gives new meaning to the word ‘bl*wjob.’ [more crying]
Me: [more crying]
David: [staring at floor] Oh my. Just. Oh my.
We settled down a bit as David Blaine’s eyebrows started twitching and The Grim Reaper popped his head into the frame and did the heavy metal I-LOVE-YOU hands and yelled “WOOOOO F*CKIN’ A!” into the camera. My David didn’t see it but Mom and I totally did.
But David Blaine was just getting settled in for the long, dumb haul. Bor-ing.
Me: [disgusted] Oh, please. Now they’re playing freakshow angel music.
My mother: [nodding]
David: Uh, that’s Mozart’s Mass in C Minor. [pause] Oh. No, it isn’t. It’s the requiem they used in Platoon.
My mother: A requiem. They use them for DEATH.
Me: [silent]
David: [silent]
My mother: [nodding]
Now Mr. Blaine is wasting precious energy and brain cells trying to figure out why he added dumb handcuffs to his dumb underwater donkey show. We are also wasting precious energy and brain cells trying to figure out why he added dumb handcuffs to his dumb underwater donkey show. We are one.
My mother: See, I don’t know why you wouldn’t just do one or the other. He’s got to multitask. Too much multitasking.
Me: How will he get out of the dumb handcuffs? I hate that I am even asking that because HE WANTS ME TO ASK THAT.
David: It’s all about being double-jointed. [pause] No, he has keys.
Me: [coughing and wheezing from psychosomatic drowning episode as David Blaine starts inhaling water and bits of his own imploding lungs]
My mother: [worried] Don’t forget to take your Cingular tonight.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Playdates. (Relationships), Time-out. (General insanity)
29 Comments
1. V | May 9th, 2006 at 6:42 am
Maybe he’s just planning on slipping off his prun-y, disintegrating skin to get out of the hand cuffs….his newest stunt perhaps….how much skin can David Blaine lose and still live??!?!!
2. geogirl | May 9th, 2006 at 7:12 am
I was in London when Mr. Blaine was pulling his “living in a glass box by the river” stunt.
All I can say is, the people of London did NOT have nice things to say about him. In fact, although they were much to polite to ever say such things, I got the feeling that most of them were secretly hoping he’d keel over and put an end to his senseless activities.
3. karina | May 9th, 2006 at 8:28 am
Ha! This post is hysterical! (But at least The Mater didn’t tell you that she missed seeing you eat twinkies!) You really DO need a quote board. Better yet, tell The Mater to stick around this weekend–I would love to hang out with her again!
4. Simon | May 9th, 2006 at 8:30 am
I liked it better when he was Just David Blaine, Street Magician. Easier to ignore.
I kinda hope HE gets accosted by a mugger with his two assistants (David’s assistants, not the muggers) and he tries to pull some sleight of hand to show he has empty pockets but instead accidentally foists his shriveled twinkie on the mugger.
That’d show him.
5. Andrea S. | May 9th, 2006 at 8:52 am
Sounds like The Mater would be a good person to have around on a bachelorette party or something, with twinkies and froufyhoohas and the bl*wjob comment. Good times!
6. The Mater | May 9th, 2006 at 9:13 am
Oh my oh my oh my … after a week of TLC, making the chicken soup to die for and slipping sugar to the grandbabies, not to mention (wo)manning the box office at the theatre and serving cookies - after ALL THIS MATERNAL LOVE AND DEVOTION … she goes and slips in our private conversation (or is that privates conversation) from last night … oh my oh my oh my …
To be continued at my blog and hereabouts when I return home tonight.
And Karina, oh how I wish I could stay and catch the show with you! Enjoy!
7. Lisa S. | May 9th, 2006 at 9:14 am
Oh how funny…..You guys just crack me up. You DO need a quote board or even some of those magnets that are all words that you can make sentances out of. Those are hilarious. I used to have those on my fridge until my kids turned into teenagers and began writing quotes that made me want to run screaming into the night…..mostly about sex…..so I took them all down. hahahahah scared the crap out of me. I’m SURE you guys would come up with some real DOOZIES!
8. jennifer | May 9th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
everyone at work was talking about this today… i like your re-cap much better!
9. Mom101 | May 9th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
Oh how I wish we had watched it with you. Our conversation went mostly like,
Me: ohmigod.
Nate: wow.
Me: ohmigod.
Nate: hm.
Me: ohmigod.
Yeah, pretty much like that.
10. Mir | May 9th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
I totally missed David Blaine shrivelled twinkie. And yet, I am somehow relieved…. If your mom had been HERE I’m sure I would’ve watched it.
(Also, GOD I LOVE YOU BOTH, Cingular is cell phone service. Singulair is good for asthma, and maybe underwater shrivelled twinkies.(
11. ChristyD | May 9th, 2006 at 4:16 pm
Thanks for making me laugh!
12. Jenn | May 9th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
I know! Cingular is cell phones! But she meant my Singulair! I love that! And I love that she said ‘froufyhooha’ instead of ‘hoojackapiffy.’ Unless David Blaine did some untelevised magic on his twinkie.
13. Contrary | May 9th, 2006 at 5:55 pm
I cannot BELIEVE I missed David Blaine and his magical shriveling twinkie. I am……despondent. I’d drown myself, but I hear that’s harder to do these days.
I’m shocked that The Mater said ‘bl*wjob’, because OMG. My entire world view has been turned on it’s head.
Maybe I’ll feel better if I go take my Cingular.
14. geogirl | May 9th, 2006 at 6:30 pm
With a shrivelled twinkie I think the medicine you really need is Cialas not Cingular.
By the way….I can’t believe I just read the words “mother” and “bl*wjob” in the same sentence.
*shudder*
15. Dawn | May 9th, 2006 at 8:20 pm
I love a good penis joke. At any time of the day, in any situation.
16. samantha | May 9th, 2006 at 10:02 pm
It was just too wonderful, wasn’t it, the whole David Blaine Spectacle? I had to call my best friend in Georgia because my husband was out of the house and it was just too intense and funny to watch all by myself. Also, there were tornado warnings that would INTERRUPT the show, so I was shouting curse words at the weatherman, along with this commentary over the phone, “Oh, I think that’s his wife! She has a French braid! And a mustache! Oh, wait, that’s not his wife. That’s a diver.” We also commenced to freak out about the music as well.
But you and The Mater were much funnier about it, of course.
17. Spot the Wonder Dog | May 9th, 2006 at 10:31 pm
Hey now. Hey now. A shriveled twinkie is no laughing matter.
18. Simon | May 10th, 2006 at 12:13 am
Much as I fervently disagree with Spot on the more salient points of 1337, we needs must unite forces in the face of adversarial comments as concerns the relative hilarity of flinching phalluses.
Definitely NOT funny. No sir.
19. the Mater | May 10th, 2006 at 7:09 am
Ouch, you poor fellas!
Have the females in your midst been too insensitive? I never realized that expanding thoughts about constricting twinkies would cause such a sympatico reaction.
I’d like to say “I feel your pain” but my anatomy prevents it. At least you’ve raised my awareness level … not that it will do any good. :>)
20. Lisa | May 10th, 2006 at 8:59 am
heheheh snort…..sorry bout the penis stuff guys…we just can’t help it……it’s too much like a toy for us NOT to!
21. diane | May 10th, 2006 at 9:38 am
Jenn,
This entry is no exception. I remember reading that David Blaine was going to do this and just shaking my head in shame for this country. Land of the free–to make complete asses of ourselves!
I started reading your blog last week (thanks to Mir) and I have read all of it, including every archive.
Okay, I guess that sounds a bit creepy…
What I mean is you are HILARIOUS and THANK YOU for your wonderfully funny words.
22. Simon | May 10th, 2006 at 1:12 pm
Lisa, if you’re going to insist on calling it a toy, please keep in mind that it’s a Transformer.
More than meets the eye.
23. Charlie | May 10th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
Contrary’s Army brother here…..De-lurking…..been reading for awhile……had to wiegh in on the twinkie……..thing…….a toy? I have to insist we refer to it as an action figure.
24. Spot the Wonder Dog | May 10th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
No no. You’re thinking of a Slinky. A Twinkie is not a toy, it is a heat-seeking missle o’ delight.
If mine WERE a toy, however, it would be more of a combination of a Tickle Me Elmo, Stretch Armstrong, and a Super Soaker. With it, one could play games like Hungry Hungry Hippos, Twister or Dungeons and Dragons.
25. Debby | May 10th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
I didn’t watch the “event” but obviously I didn’t need to. You are much better than anything could have been on telelvision. I’m more than a little concerned though. Why is Mater talking about blowjobs at the same time as I am blogging about them? Has she secretly been stalking me? No, wait, I’m not concerned at all. That would be a good thing. Please stalk me Mater. I want to start a quoteboard too!!!! LMAO
26. geogirl | May 10th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
I don’t know why you all are so surprised by her comments. You Canadians have been talking sex with a grandmother for years!
Mater, you should totally go on this show!
http://www.talksexwithsue.com/index2.html
27. the Mater | May 10th, 2006 at 9:36 pm
More trivia: Jenn and David lived right down the street from Dr. Ruth when they lived in NYC. She lived in a “high rise” … very phallic. I wonder if she’s a grandmother too. :>)
28. velocibadgergirl | May 10th, 2006 at 9:55 pm
(crying)
29. Lisa | May 11th, 2006 at 9:05 am
I knew that comment would get the boys all up in arms…hahahahaha good posts fellas!
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