He forgot to put kosher kitchen on the wedding registry
April 25th, 2006
We are cleaning up the kitchen on Easter night. David is behaving strangely, muttering under his breath and slamming pots and pans.
“Look at it,” says my husband. He shoves the roasting pan under my nose, disgusted. “Look at it! It’s pig jelly!”
“Yes, honey,” I say. “We had ham.”
“I know we had ham.” He gestures to the table, where there is a lot of leftover ham. “I mean, look at all that ham. What are we supposed to do with all that ham?”
“We didn’t know how many people were coming, so my mom bought extra. It’s fine.”
“I feel sorry for Ali and Blair,” he says. “I know they don’t eat much ham.”
“They knew we were having ham,” I say. “There was a little something for everybody. We had vegetables. And pierogies with cabbage. That’s a vegetable.”
“I mean, next time, we shouldn’t serve that much ham.”
“You’re very disturbed by all this ham,” I say. This is what a therapist who specializes in ham phobias and other pork-related phobias would say.
“Well, look at it! There’s enough ham to feed 20 people!” He is shaking his head and looking like he might cry.
“We could have had 20 people. Anyway, we had a lot of people, and a lot of them ate ham. You had the ham, I don’t know why you’re getting all worked up.”
“Uh, I didn’t eat the ham,” he whines.
“So you ate the kielbasa.”
“Yes. What’s in the kielbasa?”
“Ham.”
He is stricken. “Are you sure?”
Now I am laughing and he is not happy. He is even less happy than he was when we started this conversation.
“I just—” I throw up my hands. I cannot complete my sentence.
“No, no,” he says chivalrously, “you shouldn’t feel bad.”
“I really don’t,” I say, “because you didn’t tell me about your ham issues, so there was nothing I could have done about it. This is self-inflicted Jewish guilt.”
“What’s wrong with me wanting to have more of a connection to my grandparents?” he demands.
“It’s not my fault that you tried to make bitter herbs out of minestrone soup and pack Passover into the one night I was away. You are feeling understandably frustrated because your children are both under six years of age and it didn’t go so well.”
“I don’t know what else to do!” he yells. He is in despair, surrounded by Gentile pork products and a wife who does not understand his terrible remorse.
“Is this why you’ve been carbo-loading with matzoh crackers? I found a buttered matzoh cracker stuck to your wall behind your desk,” I say.
He stalks out of the kitchen.
When I enter the den that is not a den, he is sitting at his computer, intently studying a website with the header: HOW DIFFICULT IS IT TO KEEP KOSHER?
“Whoa,” I say, breaking into a cold, hammy sweat. “Whoa there, Jew Boy.”
He swivels in his chair to face me. “The hardest part is to keep the dishes separate.”
“Is it? Is that the hardest part?” I say. “Because I can think of lots of hardest parts.”
David swivels back to Kosher.com.
He is rapt. This is the Hebrew version of the Rapture. Any moment now, there will be lightning and flashing Stars of David and my husband will be swept up and given the best table at the Kosher restaurant in the sky, leaving behind his clothes, and his sinful shiksa wife, who will have to scrape the pig jelly out of the bottom of the roasting pan all by her little doomed self.
I read over his shoulder. “It says rock badger is not kosher. If we can’t send the kids to school with rock badger sandwiches, then you tell me what we are going to do in the mornings.”
He ignores me. This is getting very unnerving.
I am whining now. “We CAN’T EVEN MAKE IT TO ONE HAND-IN-HAND AT THE SYNAGOGUE,” I say. Hand-in-Hand is the Jewish education program for kids.
“The Jewish faith starts in the home, honey,” he says.
“I just think you should talk to the rabbi, the one who never sees us at his nice interfaith synagogue because we can’t get to his nice interfaith synagogue on time, ever. I just think maybe, just maybe, YOU SHOULD GET BAR MITZVAHED BEFORE WE DISCUSS A KOSHER KITCHEN.”
“I guess actually finding kosher cheese is going to be hard, because of the rennet factor,” he says.
“The rennet factor, yes.” Surely he is pulling my Gentile leg.
“Because rennet is an enzyme used to harden cheese,” he says. “That’s all right, we’ll look into it.”
“What is that website?” I demand to know. If I am going to get a divorce over a kosher kitchen, I want to know who is to blame.
“JewFAQ.org. Definitely a good site,” says David, the suddenly-born-again Jew. “It just puts it in straightforward language.”
“Straightforward.”
“Kosher slaughtering is the most humane way to slaughter an animal.”
“See,” I plead, “I understand that. I buy kosher hot dogs when I can.”
He glances over his shoulder at me. “Make sure you put that in your blog.”
I am really having trouble managing my panic. My knees are weak so I sit down. I cannot swallow.
He is still reading. “We might need another dishwasher too, because we can’t wash the dairy and the nondairy dishes in the same dishwasher. But maybe we can get around that.”
“I feel like this would be a good time for me to stick my fingers in my ears and do that la la la thing. I can’t hear you I can’t hear you except I can and you are really freaking me out. Do you hear me? You are really. Freaking. Me. Out.”
“What’s wrong with trying to honor my grandparents? What exactly is wrong with that?”
“My grandparents were Catholic, and you don’t see me trying to hang a crucifix in every room of the house! You don’t see me stenciling Jesus fish on the cabinets! Who are you?”
He sighs. “There just a purity to a kosher kitchen. It’s very appealing to me. There’s a mindfulness.”
“I am mindful of the fact that you are not the man I married. The man I married did not say anything about wanting a kosher kitchen. This is as bad as suddenly wanting an open marriage.”
He points at the screen. “Okay, here’s the dishwasher.”
“There’s a kosher dishwasher? At Best Buy?
“It really wouldn’t be all that hard.”
“Yes. Yes, it would be that hard. If you ever want me to learn how to cook, having a kosher kitchen is not going to help that.”
He is very disappointed in his wife. “I just can’t believe how negative you’re being about this.”
I am apoplectic and my hands are all over the place, jabbing and twitching. I am having a Seizure of Resistance. “I love the idea of honoring your grandparents. Great! Terrific! Let’s hang mezuzzahs on the doorways. Let’s teach the kids the Hebrew alphabet! Let’s read right to left! We could host Shabbat dinners every week and talk about Jewishness and how great it is to be Jewish and get chocolate that looks like money. Shabbat! Every week! When is that? Fridays? Saturdays?”
He tries to look confident. “I think…Fridays.”
I look past him, at a new site he’s found. I read out loud: “WHO IS A JEW? WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW IF YOUR FAVORITE TV STAR IS A JEW? WOULD YOU LIKE A LIST OF FAMOUS SCIENTISTS WHO ARE JEWISH? Oh my God, is that URL actually Jewhoo.com? Is that what I am seeing?”
“This isn’t a very helpful site,” he mutters.
“Would you like to know if your favorite TV star is a flaming Catholic? Would you like a list of FAMOUS SCIENTISTS WHO ARE RIGHT-WING CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIANS? You personally.”
I am cackling in nervous disbelief. I cannot stop.
“Shut up!” he says. He buries his head in his hands.
“I’m going to bed because this is just beyond me,” I say.
He returns to JewFAQ.org to find out more about recommended kosher dishwasher options.
The next morning, I awake to David leaning over me, gazing soulfully into my eyes.
“Don’t freak out or anything,” he whispers, “but I separated some cutlery.”
I stare in openmouthed horror at the stranger in my bed. He starts laughing.
I whack him. I whack him again.
He heads off to have a shower, with dreams of kosher frankfurters dancing in his head.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Play nice! (Politics & Religion), Playdates. (Relationships), See Mommy laugh. (Favorites)
51 Comments
1. ChristyD | April 25th, 2006 at 11:08 am
I love it. I think it sounds like something one might see in a very good play.
2. Simon | April 25th, 2006 at 11:32 am
That right to left hand-writing would make it a whole lot easier for us southpaws.
Take THAT you frikkin’ dextral world, you!!!
Today: hand-writing; Tomorrow: can-openers.
3. linda | April 25th, 2006 at 11:44 am
Its my experience as a big jew that all the jewish dudes who marry shiksa’s end up pulling crap like this. The part I don’t get how little most of them know about jewish life. I say start small - chocalate gelt. Work your way up to matza ball soup. Then you can work up to having three sets of dishes, you know, the extra ones for when you bring in chinese food!
4. MoMMY | April 25th, 2006 at 11:48 am
My husband randomly pulls the, “the kids can’t have milk with dinner because we are eating hamburgers.” This is a random occurance. Set off by nothing that I can see. He is always stating that it is the only true rule of kosher - no drinking the milk of the animal you are eating. It is the randomness that gets me. (BTW, he pulled this 3 nights ago. WTF?)
Oh, and we had ham for Easter too.
5. Deann | April 25th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
All I know is that the scariest part of a relationship is pretty much anything having to do with religion. Politics, I can deal with. Religion - not so much.
6. Ambah | April 25th, 2006 at 12:43 pm
I nannied for a half jewish family one summer. It was interesting. They didn’t go to synagoge (SP?) once all summer- but took their kids to jewish summer camp. They didn’t eat kosher except that cupcakes to take to summer camp had to come from a kosher bakery. Interesting.
Makes me glad I married someone of my faith- things can still get interesting and I don’t completely understand him ever- but at least the ‘big’ issues we have in common.
Makes for funny blogging though. Good luck!
7. the Mater | April 25th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
Thank God I didn’t hang my rosary beads up in the kitchen while I was preparing the ham … (kidding, just kidding).
Do you think Jesus kept kosher? Nice Jewish boy that he was.
8. Andrea S. | April 25th, 2006 at 12:55 pm
Wow, that’s actually kind of scary, to shift his perspective that quickly on you. Hope you can figure out the balance here, or you may be remodeling your kitchen again to fit a second dishwasher. Would Mrs. Kitchen and Mr. Pipe approve?
9. Vikki | April 25th, 2006 at 1:09 pm
Maybe you could start with Kosher salt…salt is very non-threatening and cheap.
10. Robin | April 25th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
My husband is a teeny tiny bit Jewish (courtesy of his great-grandmother who married a methodist minister of all things!).
We don’t actually practice anything…nada, nothing…no church, no synagogue (sp?) etc. One day, during Hanakah, the kiddos teacher pulled me aside and asked, “are you Jewish?” Ahh…not so much. Apparently we’ve talked about Hanakah though as our six year old kiddo was considered the class expert! Not kidding. The non-practicing Lutheran, Methodist, Episcopalian, Jewish six-year old was the only one in class who could converse with the teacher about the oil and candles. Maybe next year we’ll have to tackle a Sedar dinner.
11. Spot the Wonder Dog | April 25th, 2006 at 2:19 pm
Correct me if I’m mistaken, but as I understand it… the mother has to be Jewish for the kids to be Jewish. I think you have him outvoted.
Of course, it might be silly to suggest that he buy a package of paper plates to use for his kosher meals. Although, if you need a second set of dishes, you probably need a second set of cookware, too. You may be able to play the “economic infeasiblity” card.
Of course, if he is feeling the need to observe the technicalities of his faith, don’t let him near Deuteronomy 7,3-4.
12. Deb | April 25th, 2006 at 2:41 pm
This is as disturbing as when my husband gets all Mormon on me. Completely puts me in a tailspin, so I read this with horror the end, feeling your pain! In fact, I COULDN’T laugh b/c I was afraid with/for you.
I hope he mellows out…..ack…..I hope it’s not catching!!
13. Jenn | April 25th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Now I’ve gone and done it. No no! He’s very mellow! It’s all good! No cutlery has been separated!
He is SO not going to make me dinner tonight.
14. Simon | April 25th, 2006 at 3:06 pm
Never one to add gasoline to a burning fire:
Deuteronomy 7, 3-4
neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son.
For he will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of Jehovah be kindled against you, and he will destroy thee quickly.
15. Katie | April 25th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
This reminds me of when we met my best friend’s fiance. They came for a weekend visit and the first morning they were here we had a huge brunch. My husband got a pound of bacon and asked me about three billion times if it would be enough (he loves the bacon). I assured him that Will was Jewish and would not be eating any. The look on my husbands face when Will took SIX PIECES of bacon, ate them, and proceded to have seconds was priceless.
16. Jenn | April 25th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Oh, I am toast. Burnt, charred, shiksa toast. Just wait till my husband gets home.
You know, I think Mrs. Kitchen and Mr. Pipe would probably like to see David with a wife who spends more time in the kitchen, kosher or non-kosher.
I’m thinking Mr. Squash is in on it too, trying to get me grow vegetables to feed my husband.
17. Rachel | April 25th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Hilariously funny blog post.
If this is really the scene in your household at this time, call me, and we’ll have coffee, and I can talk you off the ledge (and him out of the dishwasher project). Trust me on this. *g*
Also, next spring, I can hook y’all up with a good seder experience. Nobody ought to feel bereft of a seder; it’s like missing Thanksgiving or something.
18. rick | April 25th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
O, Simon: that was a left-handed gesture.
19. Another Jen | April 25th, 2006 at 4:00 pm
Tell David he can have his Kosher kitchen as soon as you get your cranberry storm door.
20. Jos P. | April 25th, 2006 at 4:04 pm
Hah! This made me laugh out loud.
It also makes me glad there aren’t any Quaker dietary requirements. Just strongly-suggested, guilt-ridden statements about vegetarianism, perhaps, accompanied by mournful looks when you order the spaghetti with meat sauce at the Annual Gathering. Statements that usually begin with “Do you *know* what they do to those animals?” (ObJim Gaffigan Response: “No, but it’s *DELICIOUS.*”)
21. Travis | April 25th, 2006 at 4:48 pm
Mmmm, rock badger.
But seriously. It’s a phase, like getting the idea that you should organize all your photos in albums, or start training for a marathon. Bring him home a bacon cheeseburger and see what happens next.
22. the Mater | April 25th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Per Vikki, “Maybe you could start with Kosher salt…salt is very non-threatening and cheap”.
Honey, let me tell ‘ya … I threw the Kosher salt into the potato salad and rubbed it into the ham and even gargled with it … and then I blessed myself :>) I, as the intrusive MIL (momma-in-law) had no idea that my dearest SIL (son-in-law) was so into his heritage. In fact, when I was preparing the Easter meal, I remember casually asking where the regular salt was and David told me they only had Kosher. Hey, if it was good enough for Moses, it’s good enough for me.
I’ll buy him a bright shining mezuzah for the new cranberry storm door.
23. marian | April 25th, 2006 at 5:49 pm
That made me SCREAM! You’ve outdone yourself. Honestly I’m on my knees before you.
Whoa there, Jew Boy. The last time I heard that appellation was when Rick was asking me what I wanted to hear and it was Marc Cohn but I couldn’t remember his name so I said, you know, Jew Boy.
Which I can say because I am one. But somehow you can say it too. You’re the best shiksa ever.
Oh and Spot is right, as always, them kids ain’t Jewish.
24. JustLinda | April 25th, 2006 at 5:53 pm
I’m always worried about kosher hotdogs, like at the airport, Nathan’s? Because, seriously, do they allow us gentiles to eat them? What’s up with that?
I married an atheist. Life is pretty simple for me. hahah As a kid, though, I was always curious if kosher got you out of eating things you didn’t like. Brussel sprouts? “Oh, no, Mrs. Andersen, I can’t have those ‘cause I only eat KOSHER.”
25. margalit | April 25th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
I don’t think that anyone here can say I don’t have a good sense of humor. But this really bothered me, maybe because I DO have a Kosher kitchen and I do think it’s important to respect Jews who want to try and follow not only their dietary laws, but all the halachic laws of Judiasm. No, it is NOT EASY, but as Dave said, it is mindful, and I think that’s something that seemed to pass by your commenters.
When a person keeps Kosher, you have to think about every single bite of food that goes into your mouth. You not only separate dishes, but utensils, cutlery, glassware, pots, pans, kitchen potholders and towels, etc. It is VERY DIFFICULT to keep Kosher, and to laugh about it like it’s some antiquated thing that only a few black hat Jews in Brooklyn do is sort of disrespectful.
In order for us to keep a kosher home, we only buy hechered food. Perhaps you can start there. If Dave wants to attenpt Kashrut, the easiest way is to not eat meat. You can eat any fish with fins and scales, and if you can find Kosher chicken, you can eat that too. Trader Joes in Northhampton might be the closest place for you to find Kosher chicken. Empire and Aarons are the two brands you can find in the stores. Hebrew National is iffy. Some people will eat it, we don’t. You can find the acceptable hechshers on the trader joes site, and just buy food items (thousands are available and you’re probably buying them without even knowing it) that are hechshered from the grocery store.
Tin foil is your friend. If Dave wants to keep kosher, you can’t use you pans, your dishes, or your utensils unless you kasher them. Most dishes cannot be kashered, you would need to buy more, or use glass dishes. Pots and pans are another issue. YOu can’t use any that have cooked trief on them, so you would have to buy new ones or use foil pans. You can use glass baking dishes to cook in, but only some people will do that. It’s controversial.
As for a dishwasher, many people keep a kosher home and only have one dishwasher. They only wash meat dishes in the washer and do dairy by hand. Of use paper plates.
The commitment to Kashrut isn’t to be taken lightly. If your husband feels strongly that he would like to try, instead of making fun of him, maybe let him attempt it.
Also, you could cut out the pork and shellfish products and live a long and productive life. Many people do, and you can find acceptable substitutes that are soy based. They’re not afab, but they work just fine.
If he wants any advice, have him email me. I”ve never NOT lived in a Kosher home and I’m pretty capable of talking him down.
margalit-at-yahoo-dot-com
26. the Mater | April 25th, 2006 at 6:10 pm
“I married an atheist. Life is pretty simple for me.”
ROTFLOLOL!!!!!!!
27. reluctant housewife | April 25th, 2006 at 6:44 pm
Hilarious! I’ve read that website (jewFAQ) as well - it’s really fascinating. And I’m catholic.
28. Nancy | April 25th, 2006 at 6:50 pm
Cold, hammy sweat — LOL. Rock badger, LOL!!!
29. usch | April 25th, 2006 at 7:55 pm
How about for every full month that he goes to shule friday night AND saturday morning, you’ll adopt one kosher food law.
I’d give him three weeks.
30. Jenn | April 25th, 2006 at 9:39 pm
Hey, I mean no disrespect! This is just how it played out one evening at our house, and this boy of mine had never in the ten years that I’ve known him ever mentioned a longing for a kosher kitchen. I just had vertigo, man. Twelve years of Catholic school + husband talking kosher kitchen = vertigo and an uncontrollable need to blog openly and in politically and religiously incorrect fashion.
31. Kate | April 25th, 2006 at 9:50 pm
WHAT are you going to do????
*gasp*
32. Mom101 | April 26th, 2006 at 12:26 am
I smell your next script…
I hate ham. Never liked it. Nate jokes that it’s me being Jewish, but he then he can’t explain my love for bacon.
33. J | April 26th, 2006 at 3:32 am
Yum- pig jelly……….
34. Barb | April 26th, 2006 at 6:04 am
And now I know why on the monday after, you both brought me THE LEFTOVER HAM!!!!
35. karina | April 26th, 2006 at 8:16 am
I love the “cold, hammy sweat” line too! Heh, heh. I just hope that this post doesn’t send David running off to JDate. He’s great in the kitchen, so I’m sure that he’ll be a great kosher cook too! (You’ll just have to sneak away from home once in a while to satisfy your cravings for pork.)
36. elsimom | April 26th, 2006 at 9:20 am
I have a Jewish friend. I knew he didn’t eat pork. Then one day at lunch he ordered a ham sandwich. I was surprised, and I said “Hey, I thought you didn’t eat pork!” His response - it’s not CALLED pork, so it’s okay to eat it. HE went on to explain that he also ate pork fried rice, because the Jews didn’t know about the Chinese when they made the rules.
So - tell hubby to rest easy - it’s not CALLED pork . . .
37. Robin | April 26th, 2006 at 9:51 am
The kosher marshmallows and matzoh are on sale for half-price at Stop and Shop.
38. Jessica | April 26th, 2006 at 10:00 am
I can’t say I’ve ever experienced this with my husband on a religious level, but he DOES have a tendency towards obsession that manifests itself on a fairly regular basis, where all of a sudden, something I could have sworn didn’t matter to him is a BIG DEAL. And usually it involves the internet. Right now he’s using the internet to teach him guitar, and would really like it if I applied my poor untrained fingers to the same task. And yes, sometimes he does need to be talked down.
39. Adam | April 26th, 2006 at 10:23 am
Ok, this is the first time I read your blog, as my wife who convertd sent me the link today. While the Mrs. and I discussed kosher laws, etc, before she converted, I do not keep kosher, but my brother and parts of my family do, I can say that out of all the things the Mrs. would disagree with, the need for multiple sets of dishes would be the LEAST of her worries, in fact, that fact makes her almsot want to be kosher. I’m not sure I could call it a Fetish, but close!
40. Lisa | April 26th, 2006 at 10:29 am
OMG JENN you make me laugh so hard….I’m still doubled over at my desk AT WORK hooting over rock badger sandwiches for your darling girls and pig jelly…..I know for some people this is what they live and it’s serious for them and I respect that. But because I have a wicked sense of humor I can see where your blog entry came from. I am just lucky that my darling husband lets me call the shots on most things religious at our house. So um….we don’t do that much right now. Shame on us. You make me laugh every single time girl and I love you for that you Shishka you!
41. Diana | April 26th, 2006 at 10:38 am
“whoa there Jew Boy”, no pig jelly for you!
Very funny what these men come up with huh? Ten years and he’s never acted this way? He must have been watching Discovery Channel kill a pig…
42. karina | April 26th, 2006 at 11:51 am
I don’t think you’re ready for pig jelly, I don’t think you’re ready for THIS…your pot is too jew-ty-licious!
43. Debbie | April 26th, 2006 at 12:08 pm
Well, politically/religiously correct or incorrect, it’s totally opened my eyes… I had no idea there would be so much involved — I grew up eatin’ my Bacon by the pound with the Southern Baptists and in the ten (or so) years I’ve been “away,” I’ve discovered a lot of things I wasn’t exposed to.
Milk & Hamburgers can’t go together… Oh my, so Hamburger Helper Lasagne is off-limits?? I could never be Jewish!
44. velocibadgergirl | April 26th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
So…I’m sorry for your trauma. Don’t you love it when they come up with the most random thing imaginable and insist that it MUST BE DONE?
But I can’t say I’m too sorry, because this post cracked me up. Thank goodness my boss is out of town this week, because I laughed for a good 10 minutes after reading!
45. Deb | April 26th, 2006 at 3:28 pm
OK, I have recovered enough to laugh……
And remember to tell you MY husband calls ham, PigButt…….
When we met I was a vegetarian and he enjoyed my reaction. Now it is handy for freaking out the teenagers.
Feel free to continue with the spontaneously unpolitically correct religious blogging, I will be OK AND think of your husband as completely lovely and normal.
I promise.
46. Irene | April 27th, 2006 at 5:57 am
hahaha, hilarious post.
47. geogirl | April 27th, 2006 at 8:18 am
The fact that someone actually took the time to determine if rock badger was kosher or not is enough to freak me out.
And how could you not eat bacon. Bacon is the food that makes other food worth eating!!
48. The Homosexuals | May 8th, 2006 at 10:21 am
Ooo, I smell a dilemma.
My friend Melissa has a mother who’s a Baptist minister and an atheist father. They seem to get along all right.
49. Am1 | May 21st, 2006 at 11:01 am
Shame on you. You are a bad and disrespectful wife.
Good for your husband trying to follow Jewish law. BTW, he became Bar Mitzvah when he turned 13 — it is not a verb - one does not become “Bar Mitzvah”.
(BTW, he should check out www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org, www.jewfaq.org (as he has), and several books including To Be A Jew and there are certainly good books on kosher kitchens (and good kosher cook books).
50. DCA | June 3rd, 2006 at 1:54 am
hilarious - LOL again and again
51. Nella | August 27th, 2006 at 4:35 pm
Deb - this vegan delights in eating fake bacon and announcing that it is a perfect imitation of a pig’s rear end. Sometimes in cruder language.
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