LET’S JUST SAY
April 10th, 2006
So LET’S JUST SAY you move into an old house, a house that seems friendly enough despite the fact that on your first Valentine’s Day there a GLOWING ORB APPEARS in the middle of the night, right over the dresser where you keep framed black-and-white photos of your grandparents, a GLOWING WHITE ORB that your husband sees too, a GLOWING WHITE HOVERING ORB that seems to notice the fact that you and your husband are both about to poo yourselves in your marriage bed, a GLOWING WHITE HOVERING MELON-SIZED ORB that doesn’t want you to mess your nice red flannel sheets, so it vanishes into thin air just as you and your husband are nearing rigor-mortis levels of fear, leaving behind only a sort of ghostly MY BAD residue in its wake.
And for the sake of argument, LET’S JUST SAY that there are a few other weird things about your house, things that tend not to come up in ordinary conversation. Like, oh, LET’S JUST SAY, maybe there’s a STRONG SMELL OF PIPE SMOKE coming from that one room upstairs (the one your smaller daughter occupies, the room that has THAT SPOT in it that neither you nor your husband like to go near or look at). And maybe, LET’S JUST SAY, you’ve seen CLOUDS OF GREENISH GLOWING MIST in your bedroom at night, but only in the month of February.
And then there’s the subject of the WEIRD CREEPY PANTRY with the ANCIENT WOBBLY PINE PLANK you must traverse to get to the shelves in the rear. The ANCIENT WOBBLY PINE PLANK that is flanked by ANCIENT WOBBLY PINE STEPS that lead down into a very DAMP STONE CELLAR with FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND DEAD SPIDERS DANGLING FROM THE PIPES. And of course, there’s that OLD CHICKEN-WIRE DOOR CUPBOARD leaning up against the cellar wall.
Of course, everything from the pine plank to the old cupboard may be something you already have in your house. You may even have A BOX IN YOUR ATTIC THAT YOU HAVE NEVER OPENED BECAUSE YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO, and you may even have A BOWLING BALL HIDDEN IN THE CRAWLSPACE NEXT TO YOUR TOILET, along with A VINTAGE HOSPITAL BREATHING APPARATUS of some sort or other that was tucked away with the bowling ball.
You’re right, that’s all very run of the mill. Hardly worth mentioning.
So LET’S JUST SAY we never spoke of pine planks and bowling balls and breathing apparati. LET’S JUST SAY that we left off with the February GLOWING GREENISH MIST wafting over your not-yet-asleep form. THE GLOWING GREENISH MIST that your husband insists is just an optical illusion from the glowing alarm clock you got from Restoration Hardware. LET’S JUST SAY you’d like very much to believe him, but myopic or not, you feel like there is more to the story.
February seems, well—like a rough month for your house. The house still feels benevolent, oddly enough, but during February, SOMETHING UNSETTLED YOUR WAY COMES. After five Februarys in this house—this house that you really do love, this house that for most of the year seems to love you—you’re starting to wonder what the heck the back story might be. LET’S JUST SAY.
Because you’re a curious soul. You could be—and probably have been—deemed FLAKY OR A SYNONYM THEREOF. You can’t help it, you didn’t set out in the world trying to be FLAKY OR A SYNONYM THEREOF, you just happen to be awake or around or paying a bit of attention when STUFF HAPPENS.
You heard THOSE FOOTSTEPS down the hallway when you were little (as did your parents), heard them stop in each of your doorways, then turn around and walk straight back through the house, straight to the front door (which shook, then was silent). You heard THAT VOICE in the church when your parents’ Christian folk group, The Lambs and The Sinners, were rehearsing that Friday night up in the choir loft. You believe that your dad watched THAT BASKETBALL GAME on TV the day before it actually happened. Your grandmothers have visited you in your dreams. You saw your grandmother the morning after she dreamed of her friend Rhea and just knew that Rhea had died, even before the call came. Your mother and you used to have the same dreams, scary ones that sometimes came true, including the horrible one about the MIDAIR EXPLOSION that neither of you could figure out at the time.
And then there was the time your grandfather came to visit in August IN THE FORM OF A BIRD. But LET’S JUST SAY that never happened.
LET’S JUST SAY you start to think it might be time to get some answers, so you start asking questions. And all of a sudden…A TREE ANSWERS! YES! A MAGIC TREE!
All the magic Tree knows is that there was THAT ORB and that February feels, um, weird. You’re pretty sure she does not know about the pipe smoke or your grandfather the bird. And she makes you walk around your house—inside and out—and tells you to sit down and relax at 8:30pm on March 30. And LET’S JUST SAY you do, because you do that sort of thing all the time anyway, so what the heck.
And this is what the lovely magic Tree tells you, the next morning:
“The first thing I saw was an older man. You didn’t let me know if there was a place outside where wood used to be cut (or still is?), but that’s where I saw him. Sort of to the side and back a bit. He had a beard, smoked a pipe and sat there a LOT. He didn’t say anything, but he’s there a lot.”
LET’S JUST SAY you yelp and read that out loud to your husband, who yelps too. “SHE SAID A PIPE? SHE COULD SEE THE PIPE? HOLY CRAP!”
LET’S ALL JUST SAY, “Holy crap!” Three times fast!
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Boo! (Our resident ghosts)
49 Comments
1. velocibadgergirl | April 10th, 2006 at 11:48 pm
NOOOOOO!! You can’t stop!! Okay, of course you can. But I’m going to be in suspense, for days, AGAIN.
2. Another Jen | April 11th, 2006 at 12:00 am
holy holy holy crap — you have to finish the story, STAT!
3. Steph | April 11th, 2006 at 12:05 am
This is so not right. I need to know how the story ends!
4. Contrary | April 11th, 2006 at 12:36 am
Holy crap, I was about to go to bed and now I probably shouldn’t because I will have the dreams of the bad. Holy Crap.
And……Holy Crap.
5. Ana | April 11th, 2006 at 1:25 am
Gah! First you tease us with part one of “The Toilet That Ate My House” and now you leave off here!
The pipe-smoking woodcutter sounds like a kindly old gent. He’s probably not a crazed hillbilly, y’all livin’ up north an’ all. No no, don’ worry y’all’s selves about crazed hillbilly ghosts…put ‘em right outta yer heads…
6. MeeA | April 11th, 2006 at 4:10 am
Mmmm. ‘Kay you have to tell us more now. Wake up! Wake up!
C’mon!
7. Sarah | April 11th, 2006 at 5:19 am
Now that’s what I call a cliffhanger!
8. Keri S | April 11th, 2006 at 6:04 am
Book yourself a trip to the Montel Williams show! Back in my stay at home mom days I recall flipping the channels and him having a psychic on every week or so who knows about the ghosts in every house. She tells everyone that they are benevolent spirits that watch over their children like angels, everyone breathes a sigh of relief and lives happily ever after with the spirits in their lives.
Nevetheless, I would be scared to the point of overflowing my toilets, too!
9. the Mater | April 11th, 2006 at 6:50 am
And now the fun begins …
Blocked toilet = holy crap. You just never know where Life will take you. Jenn’s story will become a family classic, but I must let her tell it :>)
I promise to weigh in at the end.
10. eM | April 11th, 2006 at 7:06 am
Hello, I just wanted to say that I absolutely LOVE your blog and spent two (very productive) days at work reading it. I didn’t think I’d be able to relate to your life at all–seeing as I am single, childless, and at the other end of the world–but so many, many things rang true that I figured I simply HAD to comment and tell you how fabulous you are. I would have left this very gushy and slightly embarrassing comment as an email, but I couldn’t find your address anywhere so I figured I’d just say it here.
I will be back (in a totally un-stalkerly, un-Terminator type way, of course, you understand)
11. mama_tulip | April 11th, 2006 at 7:52 am
The plot thickens…
The part of this story I can’t quite get over is the vintage hospital breathing apparatus that was tucked away with the bowling ball. I’m sensing that apparatus wasn’t yours to begin with.
12. Mama C-ta | April 11th, 2006 at 7:52 am
Good thing I’m not afraid of ghosts. Oh wait I AM.
You know, February is a bad time of year for me too, the peak of seasonal mood disorder and all, I am sure your house is just suffering from some winter blues as well and the only thing that will bring it joy is scaring the crap out of nice sleeping folk.
13. Robin | April 11th, 2006 at 8:33 am
Jen, not sure if you’ll remember me, but we met over a game of scrabble at a gathering on Marion Avenue this past year. By the way, I’m still in awe of your scrabble skills!
That said, I love your blog!!! I’m anxiously awaiting the next part of the story.
While not in the shape of glowing orbs, husband and I have had wierd stuff happen to us like this too. He has premonitions…I get messages from long gone grandparents. Wierd!
Who is Tree? I want an energy reading!!
14. Nancy | April 11th, 2006 at 8:47 am
Whoa, Jenn. LET’S JUST SAY I’ve got major goosebumps from reading this.
That breathing apparatus — or shall I say VINTAGE HOSPITAL BREATHING APPARATUS — gives me the willies in a major way that I can’t explain. Aaaaahhhh!
15. Spot the Wonder Dog | April 11th, 2006 at 8:50 am
LET’S JUST SAY, it may be time to stop eating those funny mushrooms you find growing in the yard.
16. Lisa | April 11th, 2006 at 8:50 am
ahhh it all becomes clear. I am the “one” in the family that always senses things, always has strange things happens and have even “sort of seen” people or spirits who have passed on. I KNEW I had a connection to you (besides the pre-arranged marriage between my grandson and your daughter!) I’m the one who’s hunches are almost ALWAYS right. I just don’t tell that many people for fear they might think I’m just a total FREAK. Hello my kindred soul! hah!
Now tell us the rest because I’m dying to know and I have no hunches about the end of this story.
17. Simon | April 11th, 2006 at 8:52 am
Wow, blocked up toilets and a old man who sits out by the wood pile smoking a pipe. This is going to have an interesting climax.
Not due to the story so far… I mean I can tell this by the Mater’s unwonted silence. Trippy!!
18. Andrea S | April 11th, 2006 at 8:53 am
You are so totally not fair, it’s NOT FUNNY! YOU HAVE TO FINISH! Now you can’t let days and days go by between posts because I have to know what happens now. This is like a good book I just CAN’T PUT DOWN but you’re not letting me read on. I don’t know whether to bow down to your wonderful writing or be frustrated with you for NOT FINISHING NOW!
How you don’t have a lucrative book deal with your vivid writing is beyond me. Hey! It’s all about marketing, right? Proving to publishers you could sell? Why don’t you start compiling all the comments from your blog and tallying those of us who have said we would be loyal readers. You could bring your site tracker stats into it, because you are one of the most popular bloggers I have run across. Show them you ALREADY have a loyal fan base, which is more than most first time published writers could bring to the table. It’d be a shoe-in!
Don’t leave us hangin’ too long. Oh, and holy crap, holy crap, holy crap!
19. Nicole | April 11th, 2006 at 10:21 am
Wow. I’d be nervous too. I have only read your blog occasionally so I’m not sure if you even have one, but if you do, I would talk to your pastor about this. There are no such things as “lost spirits”, and the dead cannot talk to us. I’m not saying that your experiences aren’t very real, because I believe they are, I just don’t think they are from such innocent sources…
20. jennifer | April 11th, 2006 at 10:58 am
too much crap… HOLY SHIT! how much does tree charge? i’d love to find out what’s going on at my house (my psuedo BIL was whispered at in the middle of the night, “cursed… get out… cursed… get out…”). i know! tree needs a bus and a show on TLC!
blech! gag! blarg! retch! just kidding. i read enough of tree’s blog to know she’s not that kind of person (which is a very very good thing - so is she!). i’m glad you’re getting some answers, and good luck!
21. Diana | April 11th, 2006 at 11:05 am
wow. I tihnk his wife is jealous-hence everything else happening…
22. V | April 11th, 2006 at 11:38 am
Whoa. Seriously….this wasn’t a dream you had or something?
Now I’m all creeped out at work…..I do believe in ghosts, I do believe in ghosts. Wait…no….I don’t believe in ghosts…I dont’….
23. Mir | April 11th, 2006 at 11:45 am
I’m glad you didn’t consult Nicole on this, because now I am envisioning her as the Church Lady. (Could it be… SATAN??)
I cannot wait to hear the rest. Let’s just say that I’m sure it’s a heckuva story.
24. the Mater | April 11th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
Disclaimer: For those of you who have read my blog - the bowling ball is not MINE!!
Maybe the smoker of the pipe got emphysema and had to use the breathing device. And then his doctor prescribed exercise; hence, bowling.
I assure you that Jenn is not consuming wild mushrooms in her backyard.
25. Sheryl | April 11th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
Ooo I’m on pins and needles.
26. Mom of 1 | April 11th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
Totally unfair. I’ve been mad at you for two days. I’ll forgive you when you FINISH THE STORY!!!
27. Tiff | April 11th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
Once again you have me in stiches. I love taking time off from work and speding it reading your blog and laughing my tail off. Can’t wait to hear how this turns out for you. Creepy creepy and more creepy. Holy crap is right!!
28. ChristyD | April 11th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
Once again, I’m on the edge of my seat!
29. K~ | April 11th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
LET’S JUST SAY that maybe the old pipe-smoker could still be upset about that wild raspberry bush you trashed-
LET’S also say that I am a be’aw reader on the edge. You have to finish it!
Surely you have slept enough by now.
Come back now, finish the story and
the orb will go away, the pipe-smoker will only smoke on Tuesdays and Thursday’s, and all Federal Holidays, the plank will be magically fixed, and the green mist? What green mist? GONE.
However, the bowling ball and breathing apparatus must stay as collateral
30. karina | April 11th, 2006 at 1:40 pm
At least you have a ghost who is considerate enough to take his pipe smoking outside during the warmer months. Very gentlemanly, I think. (And he seems much more accommodating than the teetotaling spirit in your basement.)
I can’t wait to hear how the rest of this supernatural tale unfolds! (Maybe your next book should be a compilation of ghost stories!)
31. Deb | April 11th, 2006 at 1:51 pm
{munching popcorn, eyes WIDE with suspense}
GO ON…….
ps. I LOVE Tree…she is awesome. Great choice!
32. Pixle | April 11th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
I was “sent” to this blog by a friend of mine who wonders if you need a bit of ghostbusting. Yes.. I’ve got experience as I lived for 20 + years in a very active house. The shadows, orbs, things being thrown at you, and whispers so I know what you are going through and possibly could contact the old gent for you.
He’s not malicious just curious BTW. So don’t feel too spooked (sorry couldn’t resist that) and just say “Hi there could you warn me when you visit next time as you almost had me stain my sheets over here.”
I don’t feel as though he realized that he was bothering you and will be very embarrassed as he was a very unassuming man in life. I’m getting a very bookish type like a teacher or a college professor actually more into sitting reading texts while enjoying his pipe than anything too physical. Which probably didn’t help his lungs or heart in the end.
Just say hello to “Thomas” next time you feel him around. If you don’t want him to bother you just tell him. Believe it or not most will listen and will not annoy you. I learned that the hard way myself.
Hope that this helps.
33. Vikki | April 11th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
You make me want to have ghosts in my house.
34. Lisa S. | April 11th, 2006 at 5:16 pm
Hey….have you guys been rennovating all along..I mean since the very beginning when you first moved in? Just wantin’ to coax some more info out of you….
waiting…..waiting……….
35. Lou | April 11th, 2006 at 5:20 pm
Although I’m waiting for the end here- I’m just glad you updated! I’ve been clicking about 10 times a day WAITING. So, more more more!!! Soon! Please!
36. Heather | April 11th, 2006 at 5:25 pm
Let’s just say if it were my house I’d take my chicken butt and would have moved already. I have no idea why but that stuff just terrifies me. You’re an excellent writer.
37. Masked Mom | April 11th, 2006 at 5:44 pm
Well, you got MY Holy Craps–for whatever that might be worth.
38. Dawn | April 11th, 2006 at 6:08 pm
HCHCHC.
And Lets just say - I grew up in a house where my bed shook.
So I feel ya. Big time.
39. Katieface | April 11th, 2006 at 6:39 pm
You know something odd? I always sleep really well at your house even after hearing some of the weird happenings!
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that in 7th grade science class we tested our (telepathic?) ability to discern objects that were drawn on overturned cards and I scored even worse than random chance. Let’s just say that I definitely do not see dead people.
Certain houses do give me the heebie-jeebies, though…just not yours. Too much laughter, chaos and fun
40. roo | April 11th, 2006 at 7:40 pm
Well, at least you can sleep. You’re doing better than I would.
41. Angelica | April 11th, 2006 at 8:44 pm
Goodness!
42. Beth | April 11th, 2006 at 8:47 pm
You should meet Mrs.Wells. She lives in my parents’ attic. She might have advice.
43. reluctant housewife | April 11th, 2006 at 8:50 pm
The suspense….You’re killing me, woman!
44. Mom101 | April 11th, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Wow, Pixie’s comment is almost as interesting as the post itself. I think there are ghosts in my apartment too. I’ve seen them in ballgowns. I’m also living on the former ballroom floor of a converted 1920s hotel so…maybe?
45. margalit | April 11th, 2006 at 11:40 pm
Let’s just say that it’s time to move out of that haunted house toot sweet. Oy to the frigging vey, this is way too scary for me.
46. TLC | April 12th, 2006 at 3:41 am
A Tree? A Tree told you? There is obviously more to this story.
So write it already! (please?)
47. bee | April 12th, 2006 at 8:07 am
LET’S JUST SAAAAAYYYY…if this turns into a shaggy dog story about having patience with bloggers…..
Just teasing! PS Mater, can a person leave comments on your blog without having a blogger account? I’ve been wanting to comment on your Eva Cassidy post…I think Tony Cuffe of Ossian left us all far too soon as well. Sorry, Jenn, back to you. I kind of like that you’re keeping us all in suspense!
48. Nichole | April 12th, 2006 at 11:13 am
You’re freaking me out a little bit. This story had better end with “and they all lived happily ever after.”
49. the Mater | April 12th, 2006 at 12:49 pm
bee … please come over to my blog and share a comment or two. You should be able to post as “anonymous”. I’m not familiar with the other singer you mention.
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