Off-Duty Disney Princesses (the play)

February 5th, 2006

A dingy pink dump of a bar. SNOW WHITE polishes glassware behind the bar counter. CINDERELLA enters on crutches and sits down at the bar. A WOMAN WITH A CREWCUT, wearing an ugly burlap shirt and pants, sits at the other end of the bar, swigging a beer. SLEEPING BEAUTY is slumped over the bar. Asleep.

Snow White: (to Cinderella) Hey, C.

Cinderella: Hello, Snow!

Snow White: What’s your pleasure?

Cinderella: I’d love a Fairy Godmother? I haven’t had a Fairy Godmother in ages.

Snow White: I’m out of fairy dust. I could use oregano—

Cinderella: No, no, don’t bother. I’ll have a Cosmopolitan.

Snow White: What happened to the foot?

Cinderella: Oh, you know. Clumsy, clumsy. How were your holidays?

Snow White: My better half was out of town again, so it was just me and the little guys.

Cinderella: Must be nice to let your hair down once in a while like that.

WOMAN WITH CREWCUT looks up briefly.

Snow White: Ah, it was the same old interspecies interfaith holiday crap. The forest animals skipped around singing ‘Deck the Halls’ while Doc and I made a menorah out of twigs and orange rinds and old cheese curds. Grumpy’s kugel was out of this world.

Cinderella: (taken aback) You’re Jewish? I thought that was against the by-laws.

Snow White: The little guys. Me, I’m an agnostic. But I like the whole mitzvah concept. I’m down with Jews, definitely. You should drop by next year and spin the dreidel.

Cinderella: Prince Charming never seems to go out of town. Well, he’s got his annual trip to the Slipper This! convention. I have no idea what that’s all about, but he seems to really enjoy it. To each his own.

Snow White hands Cinderella her drink and a cocktail napkin.

Snow White: Where’s Prince Charming tonight?

Cinderella: Superbowl party.

Snow White: You need to get out more, if you ask me.

Cinderella: Oh, but there’s always so much to do! A Disney Princess’s work is never done!

Snow White: Yeah, I know the drill. How was your Christmas?

Cinderella: Let’s just say I’m glad the holidays are over. (pause, in horror) Did I say I’m glad the holidays are over? That’s not what I meant. I love the holidays! It’s such a magical, magical time! A magical time to feel magical things in your heart!

Snow White: Yeah, yeah, it’s bibbitybobbitybootylicious. Got it. (pause) You hear about Belle?

Cinderella: Oh, let me guess. He’s a beast again. My, how surprising.

Snow White: She rode that retarded pony of hers into the Black Forest in a blizzard, looking for a Christmas tree that her idiot husband didn’t even want. You know how he gets around the holidays. So there’s Belle, trying to drag a fir tree across the half-frozen river—

Cinderella: Oh, no.

Snow White: —when the magic fife spooks the horse, on purpose, mind you, and the stupid horse topples the sleigh and takes off into the woods. Belle winds up dropping that damn talking cup through a crack in the ice—

Cinderella: I have told that girl over and over, there is a time and a place for talking cups and saucers, and the Black Forest is not the place for talking cups and saucers!

Snow White: So of course Belle falls through the ice herself, trying to rescue her precious teacup. The Beast comes along, fishes Belle out of the water, hauls her home and get this—get this—dumps her limp, hypothermic body in the dungeon.

Cinderella: She’s hypothermic and he throws her in the dungeon? I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

Sleeping Beauty raises her head.

Sleeping Beauty: (talks in sleep) So pretty! Round and round it goes! Pretty pretty!

She slumps over the bar again. They ignore her.

Snow White: The best part is that hours later he finds some cutesy Christmas book she’s left for him—

Cinderella: Of course she has. That is so Belle—

Snow White: —and he starts feeling all guilty like he always does, so he goes down the dungeon—

Cinderella: No, no, don’t say it, I can’t take it—

Snow White: —and there’s Belle, sitting there blue and shivering and SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS with the clock and the teacup’s mother and that perverted French candlestick. Who knows where that thing has been, but that’s another story.

Cinderella: That is so wrong. On so many levels.

Snow White: And of course he’s like, oh, Belle baby, can you ever forgive me for LEAVING YOU FOR DEAD in the dungeon? And she’s like, oh, Beast baby, of course I can. Again. I don’t know what the hell it’s going to take. That girl needs some serious help. You need another beer down there?

Crewcut woman nods. Snow White grabs a Heineken and slides it down the bar to her.

Cinderella: Sometimes—and I know this is going to sound horrible—sometimes I really think she would have been better off with Gaston.

Snow White: Did you know Gaston was in rehab a few months ago? Sex addiction. But apparently he beat it.

Cinderella: What about the steroids?

Snow White: I hear he kicked those too. One of the busty blonde French serving wenches was in here the other day. She said he’s doing great—yoga, macrobiotic diet, a lot of charity work for Disney Characters Without Mothers. He’s a new man.

Cinderella: I admire that. I really do. (pause) Do you think they’re online? That organization you mentioned—

Woman with crewcut: How long did he stay a prince, anyway?

Snow White and Cinderella turn to stare at her.

Snow White: The Beast? The jackass barely made it a month before the same enchantress came around dressed in the SAME OLD HAG OUTFIT she was wearing the first time. I mean, come on! Even dopey-ass Dopey would have figured that one out.

Cinderella: Unbelievable.

Snow White: Dumb as a post, that one. This time around he threw an iron birdcage at her head. The enchantress zapped him right back into a beast faster than you can say BEAST DOOKIE.

Woman with crewcut: I heard she took a testicle.

Cinderella: My goodness. A testicle.

Snow White: (impressed) Damn! That is one twisted bee-yotch! I hope that enchanted bee-yotch gets her enchanted ass in here so I can buy her a drink!

Cinderella: I just worry for Belle. Disney Princess or not, that’s a lot to handle.

Snow White: She eats it up, that’s what I think. Belle trots around acting all sweet, and she’s got that sexy librarian thing going on, but I bet she likes it beasty.

Cinderella: That’s crude, Snow. I wouldn’t talk if I were you.

Snow White: What’s that supposed to mean?

Cinderella: You think people don’t talk about you and your little boy toys? I’m just saying.

Sleeping Beauty: (raises head, talks in sleep) Can’t we keep the spinning wheel in the garage? Does it have to be in my closet? Daddy?

Sleeping Beauty slumps over again. Woman with crewcut motions to Sleeping Beauty.

Woman with crewcut: What’s with her?

Snow White: (still irritated with Cinderella) Her prince keeps her that way. That’s how she was when he met her, that’s how he likes her. Asleep.

Woman with crewcut: Tylenol PM?

Cinderella: Roofies. The Tylenol PM wears off too fast. (pause) I read it in Vanity Fair.

Woman with crewcut: Whoa. I can’t imagine putting up with that kind of crap.

Snow White huffs off to the other end of the bar, wiping furiously.

Enter MULAN (now MU-MAN), wearing natty menswear, and JASMINE, in her usual gauzy getup and exposed midriff.

Cinderella: Mulan! What a surprise!

Mu-Man: (in a deep voice) I am now Mu-Man.

Cinderella: And Jasmine, too! My, my! Salaam, Jasmine!

Jasmine: Don’t give me that crap. You Queens of Caucasia wouldn’t know a salaam if it bit you in the—

Mu-Man: (sneezes) AAACHOOO.

Jasmine: Hey, Snow. Can we get a couple of rum-and-diet-cokes down here?

Mu-Man: No. For me, a scotch on the jagged water rocks.

Jasmine: Before I forget, Ariel said to tell you hi. She said she’s sorry she hasn’t been in lately, but she doesn’t have legs this month. Not to mention Melody came down with fish flu. Scary.

Cinderella: Give her our very best! Fish flu and no legs, what a month she’s had! (to Jasmine) So, Jasmine! I haven’t seen you and Mulan in ages.

Jasmine: Mu-MAN. You don’t hear anybody getting your name wrong, do you?

Cinderella: Mu-Man, you look just, wow. Wow. Are you doing something different with your hair?

Mu-Man: The process is long and arduous. Every morning I look in the mirror and ask myself, Who is this girl I see?

Woman with crewcut: Now, are we talking magic mirror, or regular mirror?

Cinderella: Good question! Apples and oranges.

Snow White glares at Cinderella, then resumes pouring drinks. Mu-Man pulls a hand mirror out of his/her vest pocket and surveys him/herself, murmuring unintelligible things to him/herself.

Jasmine: He’s looking at Mu-Man in the mirror. He’s asking her to change her ways. (makes the universal “yo, that’s crazy” gesture with index finger beside ear)

Mu-Man: I liked being a man. I want to be a man.

Cinderella: Oh. Mu-MAN. Yes, I see. I get it now. Very symbolic, yes. Jasmine, how’s your dear Aladdin?

Jasmine: Do you really want to know? Or are you just being polite? Because I hate polite. I’ve had it up to here with polite.

Cinderella: Of course I want to know. He is your one great love! Your true soulmate! Your provider and master and spanker! Did I say spanker? My goodness! I’m sure I didn’t!

Jasmine: Aladdin won’t give up his monkey. He’s always playing with his monkey. Every time I look, he’s playing with his monkey. I’m sick of it. I thought men were supposed to outgrow that sort of thing.

Snow White: Once a street urchin, always a street urchin. That’s what my fairy godmother always used to say.

Cinderella: You didn’t have a fairy godmother. Only I had a fairy godmother.

Snow White: Shows how much you know.

Woman with crewcut: (to Jasmine) Have you tried to talk to him about it? Told him to lay off the monkey?

Jasmine: Yo, do you think I’m an idiot? Of course I try. I keep saying, hey, Chief, hey, Lampman, let me play with your monkey. I’m great with monkeys.

Cinderella: And?

Jasmine: And the jerk kisses me on the cheek and locks himself in the bedroom with his monkey. So I go off and play with my tiger.

Cinderella: So what do you to keep busy? Besides petting your tiger.

Jasmine: I’ve got a career. Unlike some people around here.

Snow White: (snorts) Career. That’s one way of putting it.

Sleeping Beauty: (shouts in sleep) I REALLY DON’T THINK MY CLOSET IS THE BEST PLACE FOR THAT, MOMMY—

Jasmine: I’m not ashamed of what I do.

Snow White: Of course not. Pole-dancing is nothing to be ashamed of.

Cinderella: You’re a stripper?

Jasmine: I already had the outfits. Don’t look at me like that. It’s good money.

Woman with crewcut: Yeah, but do you…you know? Open sesame? (winks)

Jasmine: A Disney Princess has got to do what a Disney Princess has got to do. I’m not up for rerelease for at least another eight years.

Snow White: Ah, leave her alone. At least she’s not sitting in her penthouse all day like that Rapunzel chick, getting hair extensions.

Woman with crewcut: You Disney Princesses are so slow. I’m Rapunzel.

They are not buying it.

Snow White: Right.

Jasmine: Sure.

Rapunzel shrugs and finishes off her beer.

Snow White: Seriously?

Mu-Man: You are heat. Whoever you are. You are ripe with heat and hotness and woman-musk.

Cinderella: But…your lovely, lovely hair? I’ve heard such lovely things!

Rapunzel: It’s a wig. I hook it over the tower flagpole and rappel down whenever I feel like it.

Cinderella: No one’s ever caught you?

Rapunzel: Without the wig, they think I’m the gardener. It’s like taking candy from a dwarf.

Snow White glares at Rapunzel.

Rapunzel: What? It’s a figure of speech. So sue me.

Jasmine: I never got what the prince was supposed to do for you exactly. So he climbs up your hair. So what? Aside from ripping out your extensions—

Snow White/Cinderella/Mu-Man: Wig.

Jasmine: Whatever. Aside from that, he gets in the tower with you, and then what? Then you’re both stuck in the damn tower. Stupid premise, if you ask me.

Rapunzel: Don’t I know it. I’ve got least forty princes up there in the tower. And a few visiting dignitaries. I call them my Hairem. Get it? Hair-em.

Jasmine: I find that very offensive, culturally speaking.

Snow White: Culturally speaking, where are you culturally speaking from, exactly?

Jasmine: You are so ignorant.

Cinderella: I know that you come from beautiful, magical people who walk upon beautiful, magical carpets and polish beautiful, magical lamps with great diligence. I have the utmost respect for your beautiful, magical, lamp-polishing people.

Jasmine: Talk to the hand, Cindy. Has anyone seen Pocahontas lately?

Mu-Man: No.

Rapunzel: No.

Snow White: I don’t think anyone’s seen Pocahontas. Ever.

REGAL AFRICAN PRINCESS enters, takes a seat beside Rapunzel.

Jasmine: Do I know you? You look really familiar.

African Princess: I don’t think so.

Snow White: What’ll you have?

African Princess: How about a movie deal?

Snow White: Sorry, no can do.

Jasmine: Trust me, sista, the last thing you want is a movie deal.

Rapunzel: (to African Princess) Everybody’s always telling me the same thing. I don’t buy it either. There have to be perks.

Jasmine: Hold out, I’m telling you. There’s a lot more to life than having your face on the front of a Pull-Up. I had to learn it the hard way, sista.

African Princess: Please stop calling me sista.

Mu-Man: Your face? On a Pull-Up? My face appears on no Pull-Up.

Snow White: I wouldn’t mind having my face on a Pull-Up. Is her face on a Pull-Up? (gestures to Sleeping Beauty)

Cinderella: Not that I’m aware of.

Snow White: But you’re on a Pull-Up.

Cinderella: I’m not saying if I am or if I’m not.

Jasmine: She is. With me and Belle. What’s so funny?

Snow White: I guess you’ve got to either kiss ass or shake ass to be on a Pull-Up.

Rapunzel, Snow White and African Princess hoot and give each other high-fives. Mu-Man stares at Cinderella’s foot.

Mu-Man: (to Cinderella) Your foot is bleeding. Your heavenly and pleasingly petite bandaged foot.

Cinderella: Oh. Oh my. Oh dear. What a mess I’m making, how terribly rude—

Snow White: Here, wrap it with the dishrag—

Jasmine: What the hell happened to you, C?

Mu-Man: I weep inside for your heavenly and pleasingly petite foot.

Cinderella: I really must be going.

Rapunzel: Are you okay? Here, have some of my burlap disguise. It’s cleaner than that rag.

Cinderella: No thank you, no, no. What time is it? No, don’t tell me.

Cinderella scurries out the door, leaving behind a crutch.

African Princess: She seems very high-maintenance, but maybe that’s just me.

Snow White: Occupational hazard. She puts on a good front, but she’s a wreck.

Jasmine: Totally. Her prince has a glass shoe fetish. Nasty old Prince Charming.

Mu-Man stands up and takes the crutch.

Mu-Man: I must go to her. I must find her. She is my destiny.

Jasmine: Mu-Shu, I’d rethink that if I were you.

Mu-Man exits with the crutch.

Snow White: Last call.

Jasmine: I’m good.

Rapunzel: I’ve got to get back to the Tower. They get real nervous if I’m gone too long. You got any chips back there I could bring them?

Snow White tosses a few bags of chips at Rapunzel. Rapunzel exits.

Jasmine: Ciao, Snow Diddy. Keep it fair.

Snow White: You know it.

Jasmine: (to African Princess) Remember what I told you, sista. You’ll thank me someday.

Jasmine exits.

African Princess: I should probably get going.

Snow White: I’ve got a pool table in the back. The dwarves like to stand on top and whack the balls with golf clubs, so it’s a little beat.

African Princess: I used to play pool all the time at Harvard. You’re on.

Snow White: Do you know Simba?

Snow White and African Princess exit, turning out the bar lights.

Sleeping Beauty: OUCH! WHAT? NO! STOP LYING TO ME, MERIWETHER! DADDY SAID IT WAS A STATIONARY BIKE! MOMMY? EVERYTHING IS GETTING VERY DARK MOMMY AND I HAVEN’T OPENED THE BOX WITH THE PONY IN IT YET—

Sleeping Beauty slumps over again and begins snoring.

CURTAIN

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Time-out. (General insanity), See Mommy laugh. (Favorites)