Jesus, Mary and Jofus
January 17th, 2006
Behold, a Christmas game is born!
“You’re baby Jesus and I’m Mary your mommy. Hannah can be Jofus. Hannah, you’re Jofus.”
“Okay,” says Hannah.
“You mean Joseph?” I ask Sophie.
“Jofus.”
“Jesus’s daddy?”
She regards me with pity-tinged exasperation. God, why did you make my mommy so stupid? “Yes. Jofus.”
“Joseph.”
“I already know that. Lie down in the mange, Jesus.”
“Manger.”
“I know that.”
I lie down on the floor. I try to look Chosen and unmarred by sin. Tall order.
Mary tucks a flannel baby blanket around me. “How are you, Jesus?”
“I’m okay.”
“Don’t talk.”
Jofus toddles over. He pulls the blanket over my head and puts his hands around my neck and squeezes hard.
“I can’t breathe! Jesus can’t breathe!”
“You’re a baby so you don’t have any words, Jesus.”
“Wah wah mmrph! Waa!” Jofus climbs onto my face and stuffs a wad of blanket into my mouth.
“Oh, my poor baby Jesus! Jofus, what are you doing?”
Jofus is out to smother baby Jesus, that’s what he’s doing. “Herff, helff!”
“Jofus, get off of Mary right now!” says Sophie. She frees my head from the blanket and yanks Jofus’s arm.
“I thought I was Jesus and you were Mary,” I say. The role is being recast. This is a disappointing turn of events.
“No. Now I’m Jesus, and you’re his mommy.”
Jofus mounts my face again and smacks me upside the head.
“Ow!”
Jofus laughs, the jerk. Jesus #2 is getting annoyed.
“Jofus, stop climbing on Mary. GET OFF OF MARY, JOFUS!”
Jofus passes a little gas, then crawls off my head, satisfied. He begins playing with Disney Princess Ariel.
I sit up and look at Jesus #2. I try to project serenity and unimpeachable virginity. “Hello, my son. Awake, my son. Pet the donkey, my son. Open your frankincense and myrrh, my son.”
Jesus #2 is so over this Son of God thing.
Jesus #2 turns away from his mother and begins playing with Disney Princess Sleeping Beauty.
Mary gets up, dejected.
“You’ll pay for this at Cana,” I say. “I’m gonna milk you for every drop of wine you’ve got. You’ll be making wine till your head spins, Mister Jesus. You hear me?”
Jesus and Jofus ignore me, lost in the sugar-cereal world of Disney Princesses.
“Yo. Jesus. This is your virginal mother speaking. Earth to Jesus.”
Zip. Zilch.
So much for being the Mother of God. Bet you a Disney Princess she didn’t get any respect either.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Play nice! (Politics & Religion), Because I said so. (Parenting), Tattletales. (Mouths of babes)
30 Comments
1. K | January 17th, 2006 at 11:31 am
I am so glad you’re back. I was starting to twitch from the withdrawls- This post totally makes up for the lost time. This is hillarious. Sounds like Jofus really has that whole Holier than thou complex down pat.
2. Mir | January 17th, 2006 at 11:58 am
Damn but it’s good to have you back.
3. Tree | January 17th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Holy crow that was funny! You must have been peeing your pants laughing.
4. Diana | January 17th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
ROFLMAO!!! (what a site at an office) Seriously the people here are beginning to poke their heads out of their asses to see what I’m laughing at…
5. the Mater | January 17th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
Yo, Jenn … this is your biological mother speaking. I like that the girls are playing Nativity scene; it balances out the Hannukah festivites from the other side. What the heck - you can always play Maccabees too, but that’s more of a war game I think.
And I don’t blame you about the wine at all - Mary has every right to make demands. “He doesn’t write; he doesn’t call” - what’s a mother to do?!
PS You played both your parts quite well!
6. Diana | January 17th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
i linked you! you’re my new friend whether you like it or not. Hahaha. Love your site…
7. Imperfect Mommy | January 17th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
Sounds like a day in our house…
Not being super religious, but having in-laws who brought us a manger scene for Christmas (who pretend to be religious around Christmas and Easter), we tried to explain it all to our 4 year old daughter. She just wanted to play with the manger scene like it was part of her dollhouse and kept calling Jesus “Baby Jeans.”
8. Rebecca | January 17th, 2006 at 1:33 pm
Thank God you’re back, and mother mary and Jesus, too. While I belong to the uncool lurking groupies around the corner, I sometimes cut out and give a wave and a shout: “Hey lady, I like your blog and think your writing is fan-tas-abulous!”
I wondered if I was to blame for your disappearance. When I discovered your stories I emailed everyone I knew and told them to read this because it’s the best true-life writing I’ve read in a long while. Did we push you over your readership limits?
9. Bethany | January 17th, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Oh, you were missed. Thanks for the laugh!
“Joseph.”
“I already know that.”
She sounds like my daughter!
10. Spot the Wonder Dog | January 17th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Man… if one of my kids had passed gas while sitting on my head, I would gone all King Herod on his sorry *ss.
11. geogirl142 | January 17th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Well sh*t!
One day back and I already messed up my keyboard.
…it was totally worth it!!!
12. JenfromBoston | January 17th, 2006 at 4:52 pm
ya know, it’s like I always says, It’s good to have the understudy handy like that. It’s just good sense. Tho it seems your Jofus took that term quite literally. I thought the fart was a nice touch.
Glad you’re back!
13. lindsay | January 17th, 2006 at 4:52 pm
hilarious - and my sister and I would play Mary & Joseph and beg my mother to let us use our newborn baby sister to use as Jesus. usually there was a world war about who was going to be Mary (as the costume involved a blue chiffon something to wrap around your head), and poor meggie, never got to be anyone but Jesus. hee, good times!
14. Kelly | January 17th, 2006 at 5:32 pm
Just found you and man, I needed a good laugh today! Thanks!
15. Margaret Frank | January 17th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
I believe you were the victim of identity theft!
16. R J Keefe | January 17th, 2006 at 6:49 pm
Welcome back, and happy new year!
17. Contary | January 17th, 2006 at 7:01 pm
Well, I’ve started and erased this comment many times, in an affort to not sound like a slavering idiot. Then I decided, eh, hell with it. I’m sooo glad you’re back! SO glad. Glad. So. Glad.
Ok, now you know that I’m an idiot and that I’m glad you’re back.
And that’s……OK. (courtesy of Stuart Smalley)
18. Dawn | January 17th, 2006 at 10:36 pm
Is that the Handel chorus I hear? Ah yes, Jenn is back.
This game will be followed by it’s sequel, the Easter cruxifiction game. I suggest you pick your role now. Those nails in the tarsals and metatarsals are a bitch.
And Raspberry jelly makes excellent faux gore.
19. Kelli | January 17th, 2006 at 11:47 pm
wow. I feel totally cool that you commented on my blog. I may even have to write a post about it tomorrow…
20. KTP | January 18th, 2006 at 12:34 am
OH MY GOD that made me laugh so hard that tears were rolling down my face. I have never even read your site at all before. No precedent, nothing. That was a great story, and I really needed it after the day I had. Thanks to Kelli for linking you.
21. kris | January 18th, 2006 at 9:46 am
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Such relief, after going through BEAW withdrawl.
22. mom on a wire | January 18th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
You HAVE to write a book. If you don’t write a book I am going to die. You don’t want to be responsible for that do you? I didn’t think so.
23. Simon | January 18th, 2006 at 12:04 pm
Jenn, quite frankly, I think you’re getting far too many laudatory comments regarding having been away so long. Speaking biblically, you go off and pull some Prodigal Son sort of stunt, come back here, and everyone thinks you’re somewhere between Lazarus and Jesus!
I’m thinking of running off to Calgary and shutting down my site for a month to get people to say nice stuff about me! I don’t think I could handle the slightly different reaction I’d get though…
24. Abby | January 18th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Jen,
I just stumbled upon your site this morning. Your rice paddy post was absolutely hilarious!
I sent the link to my best friend (also the mother of young children) and we are both hiding at the computer (shhh!) reading archives.
Great job!
Abby
25. Patti | January 18th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
Jofus needs fewer beans and more anger management
MAN! It’s good to have you back. I didn’t realize how queasy not reading your blog made me. Seriously, I was sick while you were gone and now I feel better and you’re back. Coincidence?
probably. *snort*
26. Patti | January 18th, 2006 at 12:44 pm
p.s. next year, make sure you get cast as “Jofus”. Stay late. Arrive early. Whatever it takes.
27. the Mater | January 18th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
Simon says: ” … Jenn, quite frankly, I think you’re getting far too many laudatory comments regarding having been away so long. Speaking biblically, you go off and pull some Prodigal Son sort of stunt, come back here, and everyone thinks you’re somewhere between Lazarus and Jesus!”
Mother of God to be exact and, let’s face it, with a title like that there should be lots of praise and glory. Unless, as suggested, she decides to do a cross-over and become Jofus.
28. Sheryl | January 18th, 2006 at 9:53 pm
Hee you’re too funny.
29. wordgirl | January 19th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
You know, with the right lighting, props and costumes, it would make a great play for churches just like it is! And parents of little children everywhere would recognize it for what it really is and laugh their asses off. Great post.
30. McBeth | February 2nd, 2006 at 12:51 pm
I’ve been having a lovely trip back through your archives after accidentally stumbling across you today. Hope I don’t leave bruises. Sorry about that.
My only child (now a hairy 16 yr old man-child) developed an imaginary sister when he was a wee peanut. She apparently looked like me and her name was ‘Sister Mary Joseph’.
Sister Mary Joseph lived with us for about a year and a half. Interestingly, more and more naughty happenings seemed to stem from something Sister Mary Joseph had done. We three finally came to an understanding that she was going to have to either straighten up and fly right or find another family to live with for a while. Sister Mary Joseph flew the coop and my son remained the sweet angel he always was.
Trackback this post