Dear Santa
November 28th, 2005
Dear Santa,
You’ve forgotten my name by now, but I won’t hold it against you.
You met my daughter the other night. She was the one in the puffy aqua jacket, the one who was more interested in her candy cane than you. Don’t hold that against her. In fact, I’m really hoping you didn’t hold anything against her. I don’t usually let her sit on the laps of strange men, but I let her onto yours, because all of the other parents were doing it. All I could think as your sexy elf concubine got my daughter settled just right on your thigh and against your big old belly was you’d better keep that chimney in your pants if you know what’s good for you.
You’re not looking so good, Santa. The kids didn’t seem to care that you looked like the Abominable Snow Monster from that Burl Ives movie, but I came away from the experience a little worried for you and the hygiene situation. No ears, no jawline, just a ski-goggle–sized bit of space in between your dirty gray hair and massive snow-white beard for you to see out of and breathe out of. The thick Lenscrafters eyeglasses didn’t help the overall picture. Might want to ask Mrs. Claus to buy you one of those Brookstone nose-hair and ear-hair trimmers before you lose touch with oxygen completely and drive the reindeer straight into the side of a mountain or through a D.A.R.E. billboard. I don’t care what they say about any publicity being good publicity. You’ve seen what’s happened to Tom Cruise. Don’t risk a bad PR situation.
But enough about you. Let’s talk about me. I may be a mother, but I am still very much a woman. I’ve got needs, Santa. I have no idea if your gift-giving capacities have expanded with the times—let’s hope so. I don’t need new slippers or a nice manicure set. I don’t need one of those bunny-eared you-know-whats that I heard about in college, either. I can take care of that on my own; we’ve got DSL and a discreet mailman.
No, my needs are bigger than that, and you’d better be the guy for the job, because I’m not in with the Friendly Snow Dreidel yet. Even after the crocheted rainbow yarmulke I made over the weekend.
So here’s my Top Five wish list, Big Guy. Serve it on up. Because it’s like that T-shirt your missus likes to wear: If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
Remember, I know where you live.
1) I want to like cooking. You’ve already sent me sweet Kris over at Baby Likes Cabbage, and she’s a doll, always sending me easy recipes so my children don’t starve. But I want to fly solo. Which doesn’t work so well. A watched pot never boils, but an unwatched pot full of couscous, garbanzo beans, and shredded taco cheese doesn’t turn into anything remotely edible, either. What I want from you this year is alchemy, the culinary equivalent of a green thumb, that gorgeous I’m-Juliette-Binoche-in-Chocolat thing whenever I’m within a ten-foot radius of our crummy, falling-apart kitchen. The one with the disgusting peeling vinyl floors. Which brings me to #2.
2) How the hell can you expect me to cook in a kitchen like that? I’m in Hades, Santaman, Hades. The River Styx flows through my kitchen and out the back door. I throw carrot peelings in it and beg the Boatman to take me, too, but he won’t. I can do no more with this kitchen. The kitchen’s let itself go, and I refuse to be responsible for it anymore. No longer will I be a Kitchen Enabler. My kitchen needs professional help. That means you. Wood floors. No more floral wallpaper. No more hardware that looks like it was forged by a drunken 18th-century blacksmith’s apprentice. A built-in dishwasher. Get a move on.
3) Say it with me now, Santa. Cranberry storm door. Cranberry storm door. Cranberry storm door. I don’t care where the hell you get it, just get it. Yank it off the front of some Swede’s house if you have to, I don’t really give a damn at this point. A woman who spent $60K to get an MFA in Theatre deserves a consolation prize, and I want it in the form of a cranberry storm door. Now.
4) I want the contents of both the Boden catalog, for me, AND the Mini-Boden catalog, so I can have enviably dressed children. I don’t expect you to know how to do the size conversion from U.S. to U.K., but if Mrs. Claus is worth anything, she will know. I’m a 10 in a better dress. Except I’ve never owned a better dress. So I’m probably a 12. Which makes me an 18 in any outfit from the U.K. Unless it’s a Euro size. In which case I might be something in the 40s. Or not. Again, you have your global peeps. Use them for a change instead of snatching sweatshop garb from the hands of sobbing Third World children.
5) Let’s talk about this cellulite thing. If there weren’t kids, you’d be out of a job, my man. I make the kids that keep you in business. There’s been a cost. My lower body has paid a very high price for breeding your clients, and I expect you to pay up. Gift certificates for thermal seaweed wraps, elf-administered Lymph-O-Matic drainage, everything short of lipo. Get crackin’. No woman should have to live like this.
Ho ho, you big lazy jerk,
Jenn
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized, Time-out. (General insanity)
25 Comments
1. Santa Claus | November 28th, 2005 at 1:07 pm
Oh my dear Jenn… you seem to be unfamiliar with the concept of my “naughty list”. You haven’t forgotten your little incident with the chocolate fountain already, have you?
I’ll have to give this a great deal of thought. What kind of cookies were you going to leave out?
2. the Mater | November 28th, 2005 at 1:24 pm
Dear Santa
Having just spent a long holiday weekend in my daughter’s kitchen, I support her wish list and am requesting some C4 and a bulldozer so that the kitchen project can get started. You certainly should be able to come up with both items given your universal appeal and ability to multi-task diverse gift lists!
As to the “bunny-eared thingie” that seemed to be the rage on college campuses, it sounds kinda fun … so you can add that to my list instead. It sure beats my bunny slippers!
Love, Momma M (who has been a very good girl all year)
3. Kelly | November 28th, 2005 at 1:35 pm
This post just put me in the right frame of mind for making my Christmas shopping list. Thank you for the post-lunch snorting laugh-in. I needed.
4. Lisa S. | November 28th, 2005 at 1:44 pm
Oh ho ho ho to you dear Momma M! Won’t you be surprised if you actually get one for Christmas….(there’s an idea Jenn!) What a fun way to start my Monday morning!
5. bee | November 28th, 2005 at 1:49 pm
Bwah-ha-haaaahhhh! My kitchen hardware was forged by the same drunken apprentice!!!!
6. Hillary | November 28th, 2005 at 4:19 pm
Spinach and Feta Couscous - makes about 3.5 adult size servings, takes about 20 minutes (with chopping time).
1 ½ tsp olive oil
cooking spray
1 onion, peeled and sliced vertically into thin crescents
3 cloves garlic, pressed
1 package (12 oz) prewashed fresh spinach
1 ½ cups instant couscous
2 cups water, preferably spring or filtered, or vegetable stock
¼ tsp salt
freshly ground black pepper
1 tomato, chopped
2 to 4 oz feta cheese, crumbled
1 to 2 lemons, halved
1. Preheat the oven to 375, and make sure it’s up to temperature before beginning the recipe.
2. Heat the oil over medium-high heat in a large nonstick ovenproof skillet or one that has been sprayed with cooking oil. Boil the water. Add the onion and sauté, stirring, for about 4 minutes, or until it starts to become translucent. Lower the heat slightly and add the garlic. Stir for 30 seconds more. Add the spinach, steps and all, and toss with the onion and garlic, then cover and steam for 3 minutes, or until the spinach has wilted.
3. Add the couscous and continue to cook, stirring, for 2 minutes. Add the boiling water or stock and quickly bring to a boil, adding the salt and a lot of black pepper. Cook, tossing gently with two forks, until the couscous has absorbed the liquid, about 2 minutes. Stir in the tomato.
4. Cover tightly, transfer to the hot oven, and bake for 5 minutes. Remove from the oven, sprinkle with the feta, and let stand, covered, for 5 minutes. If using lemon, squeeze the juice over the skillet. Fluff gently and serve.
7. Hillary | November 28th, 2005 at 4:20 pm
Oops, forgot to say, that’s from the Passionate Vegetarian by Crescent Dragonwagon.
8. Kelly | November 28th, 2005 at 4:24 pm
Snow?! Visits to Santa?! Well all I can say is *#!!*!
I’m no lover of the cold, mind you. But it is a sweltering SEVENTY DEGREES here in Richmond, Va. It is hard to know how to begin to describe what it feels like to live in a city so utterly clueless when it comes to weather. I’m taking it up with the City Council at their meeting in December, when we will all undoubtedly be in bathing suits and bermuda shorts. To be fair, I should report that it is overcast. A plus. Also, I have found that, if I turn the AC on really low and look at that gray sky, I can pretend my town has the decency to at least feign attention to the change of seasons.
But its closed door living. One cracked window, one turn of the knob and that hot air comes rushing in.
Ho freaking Ho.
9. Dawn | November 28th, 2005 at 4:45 pm
Charon Called. He said that he is tired of picking up your damn carrot peelings.
PS. I always want to do a background check on the Santa before I let her sit on his lap. I want to yell - “I’m watching you buddy, and PLEASE don’t make a mall full of children watch me beat your probably pedophile ass. But I don’t. I just stare at him really hard
10. geogirl | November 28th, 2005 at 7:18 pm
Oh god Mater…
I did NOT need to know that!
11. JenfromBoston | November 28th, 2005 at 7:23 pm
I know background checks are important for the children, “they are the future”, but I think if you’re gonna go thru the trouble of a background check, you should include the questions like credit history i.e. “what is your Visa’s limit? Do you have the Black AMEX?” etc. I would also ask that if you’re gonna be putting limits on the spenditures, that “Santa’s limit” be higher than, um, Mrs. Claus.
Dear Santa, I want a unltra compact 6.2 megapixel camera. I’ll e-mail you the link.
Love, Jen
12. Tree | November 28th, 2005 at 7:27 pm
Ok I gotta know what these “bunny-eared you know whats” are. Sorry, my imagination is suffering today.
I really hope you get your cranberry storm door. It sounds wicked.
I need to make my own list. It’ll include sleep, let me tell you. And maybe a virus-free winter for my family. Ah, I can dream, can’t I?
13. K-Laureen | November 28th, 2005 at 7:41 pm
What - two Kelly’s posting to the same blog?! Say it ain’t so!
Henceforth, to avoid any further confusion, I shall post under the not-so-mysterious pseudonym, K-Laureen.
14. greensunflower | November 29th, 2005 at 1:47 am
Here’s to wishing it all comes true. Especially the kitchen, a good kitchen makes a good cook!
15. Simon | November 29th, 2005 at 12:31 pm
You mean that wasn’t the REAL Santa? Then what about the one at my Christmas party on Sunday? I betcha he wasn’t real then, either!
16. R J Keefe | November 29th, 2005 at 1:41 pm
This was not just great writing, but great stand-up.
17. Mir | November 29th, 2005 at 1:57 pm
Geez, if I thought Santa might bring me a bunny-eared you-know-what I might behave better. Just sayin’.
18. Lisa S. | November 29th, 2005 at 3:08 pm
okay so who’s gonna tell her what the “you know what” is? (not me…. ducking and hiding)
19. Kim | November 29th, 2005 at 3:17 pm
I believe one could describe it as a “marital aid”. I had not heard the term until someone sent me a link to Dog Toy or Marital Aid?
20. suburban misfit | November 29th, 2005 at 8:00 pm
*hiding*
I have a cranberry storm door. I had to wait six years after moving into this house to get it, but by golly, I got me one.
Now I just have to paint the big door that is currently country blue. Did you know that country blue and cranberry don’t work so well together?
21. Mom of 1 | November 30th, 2005 at 1:13 pm
In defense of Santas everywhere, many of them are actors, so, really, you know they’re not interested in your little girls, right? ; ) A friend of mine is the official Boston Santa (at the Enchanted Village) and is a nice sane happily-married man with a great husband named Rob.
As for those bunny ears…
http://www.goodvibes.com/ItemList–search-bunny.html
Yeah, my list includes such unattainable things as getting rid of the 2 evil weeds taking over my yard, and getting an acting job soon before I quit and go back to the corporate world. Please Santa , I have been good! Mostly anyway! Please!
22. Eulallia | November 30th, 2005 at 2:51 pm
I have ALWAYS been creeped out by the mall Santas. They are almost as bad as the mall Easter Bunnies.
23. Susie | November 30th, 2005 at 11:25 pm
Liam decided Santa was the devil this year. So we are burning in hell this Christmas.
24. Beth | December 1st, 2005 at 7:32 am
No one told you about mall Santa when you moved here, did they? Ever noticed the county jail is right next door?
25. kris | December 1st, 2005 at 9:15 pm
oh my gosh. I’m still laughing.
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